Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

4, August 2019

I only have eyes for you, but you should see what I’ve got for your sister

You are awesome for sharing

"As weddings go, I can't see this one lasting..."

“As weddings go, I can’t see this one lasting…”


BRIDE: You had your tongue down her bloody throat.

GROOM: Awe, come on Love, I thought she was you, you look so much alike.

BRIDE: She IS my sister—


BRIDE: But she’s 10 years younger, dressed in black and she’s not seven-months pregnant.

GROOM: I know, but your faces look the same.

BRIDE: She has long dark hair or did that escape your notice?

GROOM: I was just looking at her – your – eyes.

BRIDE: Oh yes. (Closes eyes) And what colour are mine, then?

GROOM: Er, blue.

BRIDE: Do you want to go for best of three?

GROOM: What can I say? I was drunk.

BRIDE: Well that’s a change.

GROOM: Oh, come on, Love. You know you’re the only one for me.

BRIDE: My Mother always said I shouldn’t marry you.

GROOM: She’s never liked me.

BRIDE: Not as much as my darling sister, apparently.

GROOM: Hey, I haven’t touched your Mother.

BRIDE: Of course not – she’s got too much good taste.

GROOM: I think we got off to a bad start.

BRIDE: A bad start that just keeps getting worse and we’ve only been married an hour. You’ve got no respect for me, or my baby—

GROOM: Our baby.

BRIDE: (Pause) Remember when we went on holiday to Ibiza seven months ago…?

Ref: BBC News Meet the ‘warts and all’ wedding photographer

What’s the worst marriage proposal you’ve ever accepted?
Is your partner’s sibling a better kisser?
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