Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

4, August 2019

I only have eyes for you, but you should see what I’ve got for your sister

You are awesome for sharing

"As weddings go, I can't see this one lasting..."

“As weddings go, I can’t see this one lasting…”

OVERHEARD AT WEDDING RECEPTION

BRIDE: You had your tongue down her bloody throat.

GROOM: Awe, come on Love, I thought she was you, you look so much alike.

BRIDE: She IS my sister—

GROOM: See—

BRIDE: But she’s 10 years younger, dressed in black and she’s not seven-months pregnant.

GROOM: I know, but your faces look the same.

BRIDE: She has long dark hair or did that escape your notice?

GROOM: I was just looking at her – your – eyes.

BRIDE: Oh yes. (Closes eyes) And what colour are mine, then?

GROOM: Er, blue.

BRIDE: Do you want to go for best of three?

GROOM: What can I say? I was drunk.

BRIDE: Well that’s a change.

GROOM: Oh, come on, Love. You know you’re the only one for me.

BRIDE: My Mother always said I shouldn’t marry you.

GROOM: She’s never liked me.

BRIDE: Not as much as my darling sister, apparently.

GROOM: Hey, I haven’t touched your Mother.

BRIDE: Of course not – she’s got too much good taste.

GROOM: I think we got off to a bad start.

BRIDE: A bad start that just keeps getting worse and we’ve only been married an hour. You’ve got no respect for me, or my baby—

GROOM: Our baby.

BRIDE: (Pause) Remember when we went on holiday to Ibiza seven months ago…?

Ref: BBC News Meet the ‘warts and all’ wedding photographer


What’s the worst marriage proposal you’ve ever accepted?
Is your partner’s sibling a better kisser?
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