Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

“I don’t want to do Eurovision,” wails Michael Rice. “It’s a fix.”

You are awesome for sharing

This year's UK Eurovision entry might look like this

This year’s UK Eurovision entry might look like this

Talent show winner, Michael Rice, 21, has been picked to represent the UK

in this year’s Eurovision song contest in May.

Privately he confided: “I don’t want to do it. It’s the kiss of death for any singer’s career. Mine will be over before it gets started.

“Who’s the last UK Eurovision contestant you remember…?

“Exactly! The last time the UK won I wasn’t even born!

“I know several big name groups and singers who were approached to do this and they all turned it down. I can’t name names but one was Scottish.

“It’s all political. Every country votes for their friends and not the song. With us leaving the EU, that’s all the European votes scuppered. It’s being hosted in Israel and with Labour’s anti-semitism row still going on, I’ll go down like a bag of foreskins.

“If I can’t get out of this, I’ll be back selling waffles and milk shakes. On the bright side, it did get me out of Hartlepool for a while.”

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: