Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

31, October 2019

Have we left yet?

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Half the UK population believe that we have now left the UK

Half the UK population believe we have now left the EU

The half of the UK that only half follows current affairs rose this morning believing the UK has left the EU. It was promised by current PM Boris Johnson so it must be true.

There was much hand-shaking and back-slapping and pouring of early-morning eggnog in celebration. Hearty full English breakfasts were cooked and eaten along with comments like “You can’t get this over there”.

Households throughout Britain flew the Union Jack from their windows and looked forward to a traditional English evening meal of curry and chips.

Early morning commuters took their passports with them ‘just in case’ and many clutched a thawed-out packet of sandwiches retrieved from their stockpile of Brexit provisions.

Some even said “Good morning” to fellow commuters in breach of all commuting regulations.

However, there was much chaos and confusion as the day progressed as half the population tried to convince the other half that the UK had actually left the EU. And vice versa. Voices were raised and there was much ‘French‘.

As the truth of the matter dawned, flags were slowly furled, take-aways cancelled and un-sipped eggnog poured back in the bottle.

Care homes around the country resounded to the strains of ‘There’ll Always be An England’ while a few enthusiastic souls attempted ‘Jerusalem’.

A party of elderly Londoners set out to discover just which ditch their beloved Boris had died in, determined to give him a hero’s burial.

But for the other half of the country it was business as usual.

What’s the most disappointing Halloween you’ve experienced?
How many verses of ‘There’ll Always Be An England’ can you sing after two pints of lager?
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