Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

2, July 2019

Gove’s tiny shoes collection and Hunt’s artificial limbs wrong-foots Tories

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Michael Gove's collection of tiny shoes is dwarfed only by Jeremy Hunt's collection of artificial limbs

Michael Gove’s collection of tiny shoes is dwarfed only by Jeremy Hunt’s collection of artificial limbs

Feature by guest reporter David Layzelle

Although out of the Tory leadership race, Michael Gove put himself back in the political spotlight by revealing his passion for tiny shoes.

His Cabinet colleagues decried the move as showboating and suggested the party whip bring him to heel and make him toe the line.

But Mr Gove was nonplussed and paraded some of the more elegant examples from his collection for the press.

The MP for Surrey Heath was particularly obsequious as he exhibited some splendid red faux-leather side-strap numbers in UK children’s size 3 (EU 19), and even slipped them on for the cameras.

He then produced a pair of black formal shoes in UK children’s size 4.5 (EU 21) that were once owned by celebrity dwarf actor Kenny Baker, of Star Wars fame.

Mr Gove attempted to wear them but they were plainly too large although the Spanish heels added an impressive one and a half inches to his height.

Gove’s revelation prompted Jeremy Hunt to reveal his own passion. After a hard day campaigning he enjoys unwinding with a stiff Pink Lady and a browse through his collection of artificial limbs.

He began his collection when Health Secretary during his official visits to hospitals and medical centres. He said there was no ‘arm in his hobby but confessed that since moving position in Cabinet, he found it difficult to make new acquisitions.

One visiting reporter suggested Mr Hunt might like to try some of Gove’s shoes on his limbs. Hunt snorted and said he didn’t take arms or legs off children, not even foreign ones.

We are waiting for a comment from Michael Foot. Although since he died several years ago, don’t hold anything valuable.

David Layzelle runs a writing agency called The Writing Agency

Whose feet do you like the most and have you told them?
What artificial body part is your favourite?
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