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16, April 2019

Government to outsource decision-making – to the EU

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The EU promises to use all these Euro MPs to make the best decisions it can for the UK

The EU promises to use all these Euro MPs to make the best decisions it can for the UK

Parliament has been unable to agree on anything from Brexit to pizza toppings, so the government is to outsource all future decision-making – to the EU.

The motion to outsource was agreed by a majority only exceeded by the vote to increase MP’s salaries.

A ministerial spokesperson said: “It makes perfect sense. The EU Brexit negotiators ran rings around the Conservative offerings and they’re far better at Getting Things Done.

“A lot of EU decisions are made by foreigners but that’s a small price to pay for actually Getting Things Done.

However, there have been massive all-party rebellions over awarding the contract to the EU.

The government claimed the contract was awarded on merit, there being only three contenders, and reiterated the importance of a company that would Get Things Done.

An application by Network Rail arrived too late to be considered, and one by Elon Musk was rejected in the belief that it would never get off the ground.

1. GS4, better known as Group 4, was a strong contender, favoured by many MPs with a criminal record, which was a lot. Many thought they would be reunited with old lags friends associates.

However, GS4’s slogan of “it takes one to know one” did not resonate well in the House of Lords.

2. Tommy and Bobby’s Decision-making Company. In their presentation, Tommy said: “We’re brilliant at making decisions. We make dozens of decisions every day and we always get it right, don’t we Bobby?”

“Well, nearly always,” said Bobby.

“And we’re a heck of a lot cheaper than a bunch of bureaucrats,” said Tommy. “We won’t sit around for weeks arguing about stuff. We’re always on the same page me and him. Isn’t that right, Bobby?”

“Well, nearly always,” said Bobby.

“You’re thinking of that time when you wanted a pepperoni pizza and I wanted Hawaiian, aren’t you?”

“Not just that.”

After being informed they had not won the contract, they pair left, arguing about pizza.

3. The EU promised to make the best decisions possible for the UK – as they had been doing for the past 46 years.

The government said it was the simplicity of their argument that won it along with the promise that they would Get Things Done.

One MP, who did not want to be named, said: “It’ll be worse than staying in the EU. We might as well hand Parliament over to Juncker and his pals. Come to think of it, that’s what we’ve been doing for the last 46 years!”

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