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Government solves Welsh mountain queue problems by making them hills

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Mount Snowdon is now Hill Snowdon. The Welsh will no longer be plagued by hoards of tourists who will now be shuffled off to Scotland

Mount Snowdon is now Hill Snowdon. The Welsh will no longer be plagued by hoards of tourists who will now be shuffled off to Scotland

The influx of tourist to Wales’ mountains has revealed severe problems for visitors. There is a shortage of parking, toilets, refreshment facilities, and too many locals are speaking in a Welsh accent.

The popularity of beauty spots such as Snowdon and Pen y Fan is because they are beauty spots. And mountains.

At 1085m Snowdon is the highest mountain in Wales. Pen y Fan’s 885m is still a major attraction for lazy  less-energetic tourists who don’t mind being sworn at in Welsh.

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Tourism said: “It’s because they’re mountains. If they were mounds, hillocks, bluffs, ridges, slopes, buttes, downs, fells, hummocks, inclines, knolls, mesas, rises, stacks, tors or hills no one would give a monkey’s. It’s the ‘mountain’ designation that’s the problem, see.

“We can save the environment a whole load of grief and avoid additional investment in these places by updating the antiquated definition of a mountain.

“Back when we really didn’t know any better, we thought a mountain was at least 600m high. However, now that we’ve thoroughly explored the rest of the world and outer space, we realise this is far too conservative.

From now on, mountains need to be at least 1100m high which is in keeping with national averages, global estimates, geological anomalies and so on.

“Anything less than that can be given one of the aforesaid nomenclatures but not that of mountain.

“This has the added advantage of labelling all the sticky-up bits in Wales as hills, thus drastically reducing tourist interest in them and hence the need for additional investment in their whereabouts and environs.

“Another benefit is that all the UK’s mountains are now in Scotland so we can shuffle off all the scenery-lovers and tree huggers north of the border as it were, and god knows, Scotland certainly needs the extra income. If Indyref2 comes off they’ll rely on it.”

“So it’s win-win all round. Wales gets its countryside back, Scotland gets some tourists and we save the taxpayer some money.”

The spokesperson wandered off musing: “Maybe we could try a similar tack with climate change…”

Wales has valleys. Should they be allowed to have mountains, too?
Does Scotland deserve tourists?
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