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8, April 2019

Government enforces big business pay rise structure – the worse you do, the more you get

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Drop your share price, lose 3/4m cutomers, sack 4,000 workers and you, too, could get £m bonuses like this

Drop your share price, lose 3/4m cutomers, sack 4,000 workers and you, too, could get £m bonuses like this

To keep in step with current trends, the UK Government is proposing a new mandatory pay rise structure which will see bosses reaping millions of pounds the WORSE their company performs.

A government spokesperson said: “One of our poster boys is Iain Conn, CEO of Centrica which owns British Gas. He lost nearly three-quarters of a million customers, share prices fell to a 20-year low, and he laid off 4,000 workers. He well deserves his 44% pay rise. But £2.4m isn’t so much, really.

“Not when compared to another CEO we’re also proud of. Shell’s boss Ben van Beurden’s pay more than doubled to £17m. The company hasn’t reduced carbon emissions and is one of the world’s largest polluters.

“There was also that unfortunate incident of the Pakistan tanker exploding and killing 200 people, but that’s exactly the sort of incompetence we want to reward.

“Companies are doing it anyway, so it makes perfect sense for us to make it a statutory policy. It shows just how trendy and progressive we are!”

It was lunch time and we repaired to one of Parliament’s eight bars for some refreshment.

The spokesperson added: “Of course, we’re most proud of Persimmon’s Jeff Fairburn and his £47.1m pay packet. It was a shame they made such a fuss about it and he had to take a cut but that’s the proles for you!

“Did you know that Fairburn gets 1,130 times more than Persimmon’s average worker?”

The spokesperson took another swig and mused: “I wonder why social housing isn’t doing very well.

“Of course,” the spokesperson joked. “This only applies to big businesses, not to Members of Parliament. If their remuneration was based on their inefficiency their pay would go through the roof!”

The spokesperson laughed uproariously then passed out and we left them where they fell.


When the revolution comes, who’s first against the wall – fat cat bankers and business men or politicians?
Who is the most useles boss you’ve ever worked for?
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