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22, August 2019

Gov Survivalist booklet to be sent to households post-Brexit

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How to grind your own flour is just one of the useful tips in the government's post-Brexit survival guide

How to grind your own flour is just one of the useful tips in the government’s post-Brexit survival guide

A booklet entitled “In Case of Emergency” has been leaked to the press from a government minister.

It’s based on a Survivalist tract that explains what to do in case of a nuclear war, an alien invasion or the zombie apocalypse.

It opens with the words:

DON’T PANIC!

And reassuringly continues with:

NORMAL SERVICE WILL RESUME SHORTLY

The booklet is divided into several sections telling people what to do in certain emergency situations.

Here are some highlights:

  1. Finding food. DO NOT stockpile food as this will only lead to shortages.

The rest of this section explains what to do when supermarkets run out of bread. It describes how to make flour from grain and then make that into bread.

2. Staying safe. DO NOT stockpile weapons. This is illegal and will only lead to shortages.

This section advises staying indoors as much as possible until the emergency is over. An additional section contains simple DIY Ju Jitsu moves.

3. Medical supplies. Over-the-counter medication should be available for a short while from chemists and supermarkets.

DO NOT stockpile medicine as this will only lead to shortages.

If you require prescription medication, form an orderly queue at a hospital if you can find one still in operation. Take your own food and water.

4 Transport. DO NOT stockpile fuel as this will only lead to shortages.

Buy a bike or roller skates.

Only drive when essential. Carry at least two additional people in your car on every trip to conserve fuel.

Public transport will remain in operation as long as fuel supplies hold out.

If you live in the South and are struggling to get to work, ask for a transfer to a Northern office.

5 Communications. Keep a solar-powered radio nearby at all times to receive up-to-date information about the situation.

Use a solar-powered phone charger in case of power disruption but do not expect all cellular networks to be in operation.

The booklet is peppered with encouraging dicta such as:

“Keep a stiff upper lip”

“Keep smiling through”

“Remember we’re British”

“Remember the Dunkirk Spirit”

“The Blitz made us stronger”

The booklet does not specifically remind us that in the last case we were getting bombed, and massacred in the one before

Ref: BBC News Brexit: No-deal dossier shows worst-case scenario – Gove


What will you stockpile first?
What’s your favourite roadkill?
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