Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

9, May 2019

Formula for start-up success revealed as gobshite front man

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Another successful Bullshitting graduate off to wrest billions from stupid unsuspecting banks and venture capitalists

Another successful Bullshitting graduate off to wrest billions from stupid unsuspecting banks and venture capitalists

Researchers have finally revealed what it takes for a start-up company to secure funding.

The Financial University of Credit and Knowledge has been teaching the secret to undergraduates for over 20 years. Their graduates include past leaders of dozens of high-valued start-ups which have crashed spectacularly.

To arrive at its formula, the University analysed over 12 worthless start-up companies which secured over $49b of funding from banks and venture capitalists.

It discovered what makes supposedly-astute institutions give so much money to wankers.

The researchers deduced the following formula:

$ = bs x g^2

Where:

bs = the bullshit level of the start-up front man
g = the greed of the investors

Researchers found that the better the start-up front man was at bullshitting and the greedier the investors, the more money they would get.

University principal and lead researcher Dr. Adam Wonk said: “It’s a case of talking the talk because nobody could possibly walk the walk that these guys are proposing.

“When you look at the number of companies which have never made a profit but which some economic dipshit has valued at millions or billions you quickly see how successful our formula is.”

Entry requirements for the University’s Start-up Bullshitting course are strict at 12.5% of capital funding received.

Dr Wonk said: “We teach fundamental and advanced bullshitting techniques that will win over anyone with more money than sense.

“The identities of those on the course is confidential but I can tell you we have had a few politicians through our doors, too.

Due to popular demand the Financial University of Credit and Knowledge is starting a new course later in the year called How to Spot a Bullshitter.

Dr Wonk said: “It’s primarily for pretentious twats who have inveigled themselves into a position of responsibility but haven’t a clue how to sort the wheat from the chaff.

“Most members of the public can spot a bullshitter a mile away.”


What’s your secret for spotting a bullshitter?
What’s the most useful or useless thing you learned at school or university?
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