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9, May 2019

Formula for start-up success revealed as gobshite front man

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Another successful Bullshitting graduate off to wrest billions from stupid unsuspecting banks and venture capitalists

Another successful Bullshitting graduate off to wrest billions from stupid unsuspecting banks and venture capitalists

Researchers have finally revealed what it takes for a start-up company to secure funding.

The Financial University of Credit and Knowledge has been teaching the secret to undergraduates for over 20 years. Their graduates include past leaders of dozens of high-valued start-ups which have crashed spectacularly.

To arrive at its formula, the University analysed over 12 worthless start-up companies which secured over $49b of funding from banks and venture capitalists.

It discovered what makes supposedly-astute institutions give so much money to wankers.

The researchers deduced the following formula:

$ = bs x g^2


bs = the bullshit level of the start-up front man
g = the greed of the investors

Researchers found that the better the start-up front man was at bullshitting and the greedier the investors, the more money they would get.

University principal and lead researcher Dr. Adam Wonk said: “It’s a case of talking the talk because nobody could possibly walk the walk that these guys are proposing.

“When you look at the number of companies which have never made a profit but which some economic dipshit has valued at millions or billions you quickly see how successful our formula is.”

Entry requirements for the University’s Start-up Bullshitting course are strict at 12.5% of capital funding received.

Dr Wonk said: “We teach fundamental and advanced bullshitting techniques that will win over anyone with more money than sense.

“The identities of those on the course is confidential but I can tell you we have had a few politicians through our doors, too.

Due to popular demand the Financial University of Credit and Knowledge is starting a new course later in the year called How to Spot a Bullshitter.

Dr Wonk said: “It’s primarily for pretentious twats who have inveigled themselves into a position of responsibility but haven’t a clue how to sort the wheat from the chaff.

“Most members of the public can spot a bullshitter a mile away.”

What’s your secret for spotting a bullshitter?
What’s the most useful or useless thing you learned at school or university?
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