In a world where excess is praised and the obese regarded as super sexy – eat your heart out Sarah Jessica Parker, although she was never really sexy anyway – researchers and nutritionists have finally produced food that makes you want to eat more.
The secret is called ultra-processing. It involves running the food through dozens of processing processes as it were, and adding many chemicals.
The food has the beneficial side-effect of lasting longer than fresh food so if you’re simply stuffed and can’t squeeze in another morsel, ultra-processed food will keep for weeks or months.
Why bother with fresh and wholesome food when ultra-processed food lasts longer, is just as tasty and costs less?
The large body beautiful can be yours with little effort, no additional cost and no painful exercise or diet. It’s win-win-win all round.
If you’re wondering how to recognise ultra-processed food, here are three easy methods:
1. The food has been through a steel works, a plastics processing factory or ICI is a shareholder in the production company.
2. It contains ingredients you’ve never heard of and can’t pronounce. Some of them may start with a letter such as E and have numbers after them.
3. Give some to your Granny. If she says: “What the fuck’s this, like?” she’s from the North but knows her onions because the food is neither onions nor anything she recognises as food.
In all cases, this is ultra-processed food and something you want to shove down your gob before your Granny phones 999 because she thinks you’ve taken poison.
Or before the food police ban it.
If you find you typically eat as much as you can but would still really like to eat more, switch to an ultra-processed food diet. You’ll then be able to stuff in another 4000-5000 calories before feeling full.
Isn’t food technology wonderful?
Stuff the planet. Stuff yourself instead.
Who’s the sexiest fat person?
It’s only fair that fat people pay more for their clothes as they use more material. Discuss.
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