The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Fitness trackers for the unfit – they take off the calories so you don’t have to

You are awesome for sharing

"Exercise time, Fred. Got to get up and walk to the fridge again."

“Exercise time, Fred. Got to get up and walk to the fridge again.”

Huawei has developed a new fitness tracker that over-reports activity levels and calories used, and stores the data on a srver in China.

The new Huawei WatchNot 2 is aimed at obese and lazy people or, as the advertising puts it, “those with an excessive lifestyle”. It’s for anyone who desperately wants to lose weight but just can’t be arsed to exercise or cut down on food.

The WatchNot 2 has three fitness settings. Easy Going is recommended for beginners. It over-reports by just 10% so users get used to exercising more and burning more calories without making any changes to their daily routine.

Up And Moving is recommended for users who are able to walk from the couch to the fridge. This activity does burn a few calories so this setting over-reports by 20%.

The more often users walk between the couch and fridge, the more calories they burn and the fitter they get.

Hey Slow Down There is for the fitness enthusiast who walks to the bus stop or train station or who is forced to climb stairs as part of their daily routine. This mode over-reports by 50% so users can burn off twice the calories they take in and get fit in half the time.

The WatchNot 2 also has a clothing app. This links directly to Huawei’s Highest Quaality Chinese Clothing  Store which under-sizes clothes. Users order a smaller size but receive the same size garment so they can prove to everyone that they have gone down a size.

Users on the Hey Slow Down There mode for a month receive clothes marked two sizes smaller, incentivising them to carry on their good exercise routine.

So uses are happy and Huawei gets lots of data on fat people.

Other major fitness tracker makers are also working on similar devices.

Watch out for the Apple iFat, the NoArmIn from Garmin and the Xiaomi Amazfat Btch.

Samsung is developing a folding tracker but early tests show it is not robust enough to withstand being sat on.

Are fitness trackers putting McDonald’s out of business?
Do you give a shit?
Leave a Comment below.

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: