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All right, Delilah, let's see if they've got a bike big enough to fit my sweet ass

All right, Delilah, let’s see if they’ve got a bike big enough to fit my sweet ass

In an experiment to get obese people to lose weight and get fit, doctors in Wales are prescribing bikes.

Cycling exercise has been shown to increase cardiovascular health and reduce the risk of cancer.

However, the LBC (Lazy Bastards Club) has mounted a challenge based on EU equality law demanding the NHS also prescribe them cars.

Reclining in a hammock and sipping a Mojito, a spokesperson said: “The government and all these social equality bleeders have been harping on about how everyone should be treated equally, so we’re just exercising our democratic rights.

“I mean, if fat buggers can get free transport, why shouldn’t we? Fair’s fair.

“To be honest, we’d probably settle for a free bus pass but ‘cars’ will put the fear of god into them.” They chuckled and sipped their drink.

Outside a food bank, we asked some people what they thought of the idea.

Elsie Scrivens, 37, was queuing with her five children aged 4 to 9. She said: “Bikes! Bleedin’ bikes! I just wish we could get enough to be obese, what with our Jim being laid off from Centrica we can barely afford to pay the rent nevermind eat enough to get fat.”

She tousled the hair of her youngest waif. “Look at ’em, poor blighters. Skin and bone, that’s all they are. Bikes! Bleedin’ bikes!”

Mary Slocombe, 76, said: “We were all better off in 1959, mark my words.”

Outside a doctor’s surgery in Wales, a very large man squeezed through the dorr holding a prescription.

“It’s a bloody joke, now, isn’t it,” he said. “How the bloody hell am I supposed to get on a bloody bike, nevermind bloody-well ride it?

“I’ll give it to my brother-in-law, Jones the Butcher, see. He’ll give me a few hamburgers for it.” He smiled, waved the prescription and waddled off into Greggs.


Would you eat six Greggs’ pasties a day for a year to get a bike?
Did you stop to think that if you saved the money from the pasties you could have bought a bloody brilliant bike in just six months?
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