Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

31, August 2019

Facebook creates team to recover hacked accounts

You are awesome for sharing

Facebook's hi-tech Hacked Account Recovery department

Facebook’s hi-tech Hacked Account Recovery department

INTERIOR: Facebook’s Hacked Account Recovery office somewhere in the Far East where labour is cheap.

A large sign on the wall reads:

“The Bot is Always Right
Especially if they don’t advertise”

Three people sit at well-worn desks working on ten-year-old laptops.

JEROME: Ha! Ha! I just love this job. This is the 20th dweeb this morning who used “password” as their password.

DANILO: I’ve had 17 “1234”s.

MAHALIA: Beat you. I’ve had 31 “qwerty”s.

DANILO: Any advertisers?

MAHALIA: If they can’t think of a secure password, they’re e not going to be able to navigate the advertising platform, are they?


MAHLIA: Hey, here’s one. Ran their entire business on Instagram.

DANILO: Idiot.

JEROME: What happened?

MAHLIA: Got hacked, sent out spam. Bot shut it down.

DANILO: Genuine?

MAHLIA: Oh yes, the hack was from the other side of the world. Seems a shame not to reinstate it.

JEROME: It’s a life lesson. Besides, I bet the account doesn’t advertise. (He nods at the sign.)

MAHALIA: No… I do so love this job, too. But I sometimes wonder why we’re here—

DANILO: —Ah, the existential question—

MAHALIA: —No! If we don’t talk to the users other than through a ‘no reply’ address, and if we don’t reinstate accounts…?

DANILO: We do if they’re good advertisers. (He nods at the sign.)

JEROME: You know we’re only here so Mr Z can say he has a ‘team’ working on it.

MAHALIA: Three is hardly a team.

JEROME: We’re not playing soccer. Three’s a team.

DANILO: Just get on with it. Press the Reject key and move on.

MAHALIA: You’re right. But what if it was your account?

DANILO: I work in the Hacked Account Recovery department, remember?

Ref: BBC News ‘My Instagram got hacked and I lost my business’

If there was no social media would you a) die or b) breathe a sigh of relief?
What’s your favourite method of hacking people’s social media accounts?
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