Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

31, August 2019

Facebook creates team to recover hacked accounts

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Facebook's hi-tech Hacked Account Recovery department

Facebook’s hi-tech Hacked Account Recovery department

INTERIOR: Facebook’s Hacked Account Recovery office somewhere in the Far East where labour is cheap.

A large sign on the wall reads:

“The Bot is Always Right
Especially if they don’t advertise”

Three people sit at well-worn desks working on ten-year-old laptops.

JEROME: Ha! Ha! I just love this job. This is the 20th dweeb this morning who used “password” as their password.

DANILO: I’ve had 17 “1234”s.

MAHALIA: Beat you. I’ve had 31 “qwerty”s.

DANILO: Any advertisers?

MAHALIA: If they can’t think of a secure password, they’re e not going to be able to navigate the advertising platform, are they?

ALL TOGETHER: Reject!

MAHLIA: Hey, here’s one. Ran their entire business on Instagram.

DANILO: Idiot.

JEROME: What happened?

MAHLIA: Got hacked, sent out spam. Bot shut it down.

DANILO: Genuine?

MAHLIA: Oh yes, the hack was from the other side of the world. Seems a shame not to reinstate it.

JEROME: It’s a life lesson. Besides, I bet the account doesn’t advertise. (He nods at the sign.)

MAHALIA: No… I do so love this job, too. But I sometimes wonder why we’re here—

DANILO: —Ah, the existential question—

MAHALIA: —No! If we don’t talk to the users other than through a ‘no reply’ address, and if we don’t reinstate accounts…?

DANILO: We do if they’re good advertisers. (He nods at the sign.)

JEROME: You know we’re only here so Mr Z can say he has a ‘team’ working on it.

MAHALIA: Three is hardly a team.

JEROME: We’re not playing soccer. Three’s a team.

DANILO: Just get on with it. Press the Reject key and move on.

MAHALIA: You’re right. But what if it was your account?

DANILO: I work in the Hacked Account Recovery department, remember?

Ref: BBC News ‘My Instagram got hacked and I lost my business’


If there was no social media would you a) die or b) breathe a sigh of relief?
What’s your favourite method of hacking people’s social media accounts?
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