Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

23, April 2019

Extinction Rebellion to be housed in French refugee camp. “French are so good with protesters,” says Home Office

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No more comfy hotels. This lot are off to experience the worst of French hospitality. After being arrested...

No more comfy hotels. This lot are off to experience the worst of French hospitality. After being arrested…

With Extinction Rebellion arrests running into thousands, the UK is experiencing a “custodial accommodation” shortage.

EU Human Rights law rules out options where they might otherwise be detained such as hostels for the homeless, temporary social housing and half-way houses.

Therefore, detainees are now being held in hotels and B&Bs. A Home Office spokesperson said: “We are fully compliant with EU law but this is expensive for the taxpayer and gives new meaning to the phrase ‘prison is like a hotel’.”

A police spokesman said: “When we incarcerate someone in a hotel it requires extra manpower to keep an eye on them. We need to make sure they don’t have too many hot baths, take too much from the room mini bar or watch the pay-for porn channel.

“Some of our officers don’t have such a good life and it’s causing ructions. One of our lads clocked off, went home, got changed and joined them so he could get a night in a hotel. We can’t afford such luxuries on a policeman’s salary.”

In response to police demands, the government has negotiated a deal with the French authorities to house Extinction Rebellion over-fill in the old Calais refugee camp.

The Home Office spokesperson said: “The French have had a lot of experience with this sort of thing. Vive la revolution and all that. Well, you know what I mean.

“Frankly, they’re happy to put the old camp to some use. They like their Gendarmes and they’ve had lots of practice with the Yellow Jackets.

“This is a win-win scenario for everyone. And the Rebellion lot get to see a bit of the world, too!

“And, between you and me, the French aren’t averse to using their ‘bâton’, what! Keep the buggers in line. Our lads would be whipped off the force in no time at all, prosecuted, fined and goodness-knows-what.

“We’ll be shipping them off in the next few days on ferries and through the Chunnel. The sooner we get rid of the blighters the better.

“The government is doing all it can to raise awareness of climate change and we’re taking all necessary steps to prevent it. We don’t need these rabble rousers telling us how to do our job.”

Members of Extinction Rebellion who have not yet been arrested are planning protests at ferry terminals and the Eurotunnel.

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