Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

11, July 2019

EU plots destruction of UK economy

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From their anonymous penthouse apartment (marked with an X) in Brussels, the Euro3 plot the downfall of the UK

From their anonymous penthouse apartment (marked with an X) in Brussels, the Euro3 plot the downfall of the UK

In a hidden penthouse office high above the streets of Brussels, three covert EU agents sit and plot against the UK.

They drink unhealthy fizzy drinks, eat Belgian chocolate, and wish they were based in the UK near a Greggs.

The Euro3, as they have been dubbed by MI6, answer only to the EU President, the EU Council President, the President of the European Central Bank, and any other Eurocrat with President in their job title.

There is much anti-EU sentiment throughout Europe, as well as cheese, sausages and a wide assortment of breads.

The European Council’s worst fear is that other countries will want to leave the EU, too, leaving them up the Zenne with no job, no expense account or free travel. So they intend to make an example of the UK to deter any future dissent.

The Euro3 choose stealth as their weapon.

They began three years ago by devaluing the Pound using clever currency manipulation techniques with the aid of the Russian hackers who helped Trump become President.

In 2016, the Pound bought 1.31 Euros. Now it only buys 1.11 Euros which is not even a cheese pasty in most branches of Greggs. Assuming there were Greggs in Europe. Which there are not.

Foreign exchange experts say the fall in the Pound is due to uncertainty over Brexit, as the Euro3 expected. However, the UK has a strong economy as typified by our baking industry and this does not account for the fall.

While politicians concentrate on the Irish border and fiddling expenses, the Euro3’s actions are attributed to ‘market forces’.

When the UK does leave, it will cost far more to buy EU goods than it did before and UK goods will effectively be ‘on sale’ in Europe.

An MI6 spokesman called Arthur (not his real name) tapped his nose and said: “Don’t worry, we have post-Brexit plans.”

Which immediately filled us with confidence.

Ref: BBC News Pound heads for two-year low as holidays begin

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