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20, April 2019

Electoral Commission proposes “Joke Off” as a way to decide elections

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"This is my condescending look. They've no idea what constitues a good joke. I'm going to wipe the floor with my superior humour. The Socialist wankers."

“This is my condescending look. They’ve no idea what constitues a good joke. I’m going to wipe the floor with my superior humour. The Socialist wankers.”

To rejuvenate public interest in politics and politicians, the Commission for Electoral Reform has proposed politicians battle it out with jokes and one-liners.

A spokesperson for the Commission said: “The electoral system is in dire need of an overhaul.

“The population is fed up with politicians’ inability to make decisions and do the job they are over-paid to do.

“We need to bring elections up to date. We’ve done a lot of research and a Joke Off is by far the most popular method of choosing a politician.

“We explored various other options including Gladiator-style combat, a triathlon, a pie-eating contest, a spelling bee, mud wrestling, IQ tests, a general knowledge quiz, and a Bake Off. We even thought drawing lots would be as fair and beneficial as the current system but that was, ultimately, decreed undemocratic.”

The spokesperson sighed.

“We had to discount several suggestions on health and safety grounds, others on various kinds of discriminatory grounds although none, I might add, on the grounds of incompetence or diminished responsibility. Such is our predicated lot in this wonderful democratic society of ours.

“But a Joke Off ticks all the boxes. Mostly.

“If politicians don’t fulfil their election promises, at least we can have a laugh as they sell us down the river.”

Politicians are not renowned for their sense of humour. What sort of jokes might we expect?

The spokesperson said: “We have heard one line floating around the corridors of the Lib Dems – yes, amazing as it may seem, they are still a party. Just.

“What’s the difference between Labour and the Tories?

“Labour gave the best job to the worst person. The Tories gave the worst person the best job.

“You might have to think about that for a minute.”

The spokesperson added: “UK politics is already a joke and the House is full of clowns. After the changes we won’t notice any difference.

Plus ça change.”


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