In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

16, March 2019

DUP demands more concessions for supporting Tory votes including banning gay rights, repealing abortion laws and an official climate change denial policy. A No. 10 spokesman said: “It’s cheaper than another £1bn.”

You are awesome for sharing

"Drought AND a plague of locusts - THAT'S climate change." say DUP.

“Drought AND a plague of locusts – THAT’S climate change.” say DUP.

The DUP is a weird little Northern Ireland party that no one had heard of until UK PM, Theresa May, paid them £1bn in real money to buy their votes.

DUP policies are slightly to the right of Atilla the Hun. Now they want more concessions to prop up the Tory’s failing Brexit deal.

The £1bn they got in 2017 while the nation was suffering from the Tory’s austerity measures has been washed away in a sea of champagne, yachts, wild parties, offshore accounts and sticky buns.

The party, famous for appointing a climate-change denier as its environment minister, has hit Theresa May with another set of demands in return for their votes.

Top of the list is a ban on same-sex marriage and removal of all “gay rights” throughout the UK. “It’s not doing anyone any good and it’s not in the bible,” said a DUP spokesperson. “Besides, you wouldn’t want your sister to marry one, would you? Er, or your brother? Or whoever?”

Second on the list is to ban abortions. “It’s not that we don’t want to give women the right to choose but they must choose the right way,” said the spokesperson. “Anyway, it’s not allowed in the bible so that’s that.”

One the subject of climate change, the spokesperson said: “Apart from droughts, locusts and the like, there’s not much in the bible about it so it can’t be real, can it? The UK is already doing bugger all to support it, but we’d just like to make it official.”

A Number 10 spokesperson said: “You can’t put a value on doing the right thing – or voting the right way. But at least they’re not asking for another £1bn!”

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: