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31, March 2019

Dry business books prompt government to introduce new book rating system

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New rating system toimprove the quality of books - but not business books

New rating system toimprove the quality of books – but not business books

The need for a book rating system was prompted by complaints that business books were dry, boring and uninteresting. A spokesperson for the Department for Education said: “We want previously dry and boring business books to be as interesting as a Dan Brown thriller. Well, a thriller at any rate.”

A team of literary experts including Jeffrey Archer, E.L. James, and Dame Barbara Cartland, deceased, will rate the books using a rating system which will vary according to category.

Here are some ratings for popular literary genres which are under proposal.

Thriller ratings:
Wet Sunday afternoon
I could put it down
Better than Game of Thrones
Get the defibrillator

Whodunit ratings:
Even the Met could solve this one
The butler did it
Agathaesque
Sherlock, Poirot and Batman combined couldn’t guess this

Cookery book ratings:
Vomit
I’d rather have a Big Mac
That’s almost as good as my Mum’s
Like eating a wet dream

Rom Com ratings:
Laugh? I almost woke up
Be glad you got divorced
Hug me, baby, hug me
Chuckle down the aisle

Erotica ratings:
Fifty Shades of Shite
Mills & Boon on Prozac
Sticky fingers
Share with a friend or three

Business books are not expected to improve much in quality and will likely be rated:
Comatose
ZZZzzz
Boring
Dry

Poetry ratings:
Self-indulgent naval-gazing
McGonagall
At least it rhymes (although it doesn’t have to)
I’ve no idea what it means but it makes my toes tingle

The Department for Education claims the rating system will encourage authors to write better books and encourage more people to read them. A spokesperson said: “We need to cure the population of their 2-minute attention span get them away from YouTube videos, and back to reading “proper books”.

“If this is the success we expect it to be we will roll out similar ratings for clothes, garden furniture and dry white sherry.”

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