fbpx

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

“Dinosaurs became extinct because they nuked each other!” claims evolutionary scientist. “And we’re next!”

You are awesome for sharing

Dinosaurs used their opposable thumbs to nuke each other!

Dinosaurs used their opposable thumbs to nuke each other!

“It’s the thumbs, you see,” said Dr Richard Gould, lead researcher into Opposable Thumbs Evolution. “Not many species have opposable thumbs, mainly humans and primates. But dinosaurs like the Tyrannosaurus Rex had them. 65 million years ago they used their opposable thumbs to develop weapons of mass destruction and wiped each other out. History is already repeating itself and we’ll be next.”

When asked if he had any proof of his theory he replied: “It all went up in flashes of nuclear fission. There’s not much left after a nuclear bomb goes off, you know. They probably left plans lying around but after 65 million years they’re probably decomposed by now.”

Didn’t dinosaurs have really small brains?

“It’s not the size of the brain that counts, it’s what’s in it. Many people today have small reptilian brains but are still considered capable of running a business or a country.

“Dinosaurs had small brains but they were filled with guile and cunning, certainly enough to develop nuclear weapons. We’re just like the dinosaurs using our small brains to produce weapons and kill each other.”

Why haven’t other animals with opposable thumbs such as apes and chimpanzees developed nuclear weapons?

“Haven’t you seen Planet of the Apes? History is there for us to see. We must beware of any creature with opposable thumbs. Beware! Beware!”


What’s the most useful lesson from history that humans have learned?
Do we need  a law banning monkeys from owning guns?
:eave a Comment below

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: