Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

22, April 2019

Diane Abbott apologises for drinking M&S Mojito. “I should have made my own”

You are awesome for sharing

"I'm really sorry for drinking an M&S Mojito. It was definitely not up to my usual standard and I feel I've let all my Mojito friends down."

“I’m really sorry for drinking an M&S Mojito. It was definitely not up to my usual standard and I feel I’ve let all my Mojito friends down.”

Diane Abbott, Shadow Home Secretary, has apologised for drinking a can of M&S Mojito on a train.

“I didn’t have time to do a proper shop,” she explained. “Otherwise I would have made my own. The M&S can was refreshing but hardly Tom Cruise standard,” she laughed, referencing the movie, Cocktail starring Tom Cruise.

“I prefer Bacardi Silver Rum although I do occasionally use Appleton White Rum if I want it to have a Jamaican rather than a Puerto Rican touch.

“Of course you have to use fresh mint, that’s the whole point. And fresh lime. It needs to be juicy. Some people use old limes that are dried out – I never go to their parties. You need zesty lime juice and have to mix in just the right amount of sugar to produce that Mojito tang.

“Some people use ordinary sugar but it’s much better with castor sugar. I probably don’t put in as much as some because I like my Mojitos to have a little bite,

“I adjust the soda depending on whether I’m in a sipping mood or drinking mood.

“And the ice is essential, too. You don’t get that in a can.

The M&S Mojito just doesn’t cut it but I was in a hurry. I’m truly sorry.

“I guess I’ve just blown my M&S sponsorship deal.”


Should Diane Abbott have been prosecuted for a) breaking Railway rules or b) drinking an M&S mojito? Leave a Comment below.

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: