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21, March 2019

Customs Officers strike for better deal after Brexit. “We’re taking a lead from the stroppy French.”

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French, eh? Smuggling handbags again, are we? Take a seat over there for the next three days, madam.

French, eh? Smuggling handbags again, are we? Take a seat over there for the next three days, madam.

UK Customs Officers are preparing to strike as soon as the UK leaves the EU, deal or no deal.

A spokesperson said: “Whatever happens, we’re going to have to work longer and harder and we need more people and better equipment to do it.

“We’re taking a leaf out of the stroppy Frenchy’s book – they strike ’cause their coffee’s not the right temperature or someone’s nicked a Gauloises. Their government has promised them another 700 workers and they’re still not happy about it.

“Our bloody government has promised us bugger all. Well, we’re not having it.

“We’re demanding bigger dogs. You can’t go around sniffing luggage with a Basset Hound. There’s no street cred in it. We want Rottweilers and Dobermans, ones that look like they’ll take your arm off for dinner and come back for the other one for dessert.

“We also want better uniforms. They’re too much like a naval uniform and we’re sick of people shouting ‘Hello sailor!’ at us. Well, most of us are.

“Something in black with a splash of red, maybe jodhpurs and a sharp peaked hat. That’ll put the fear of god into anyone trying to sneak in an extra pack of twenty!

“And we want at least another ten Officers. We’re more efficient than the French so don’t need so many. Anyway, the whole border thing is going to be so f*cked up no one will know what’s going on, anyway.

“Oh, and Hobnobs for tea.

“Then let’s see how the French like it when we hold them up for a couple of days!”

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