Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

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