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29, August 2019

Coffee chain employs monkey baristas

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"Was that two flat whites, an Americano with cream and a mocha latte or two cafe lattes a black Americano and one flat white?"

“Was that two flat whites, an Americano with cream and a mocha latte or two cafe lattes a black Americano and one flat white?”

To cut complaints from whinging staff, a major coffee chain is employing monkeys as baristas.

A company spokesperson said: “Our staff were asking for more money and better conditions. Our CEO said he could train a monkey to do their job and that’s just what we’ve done.

“Training takes slightly longer but they pick it up really quickly.

“They particularly like the hiss of the steam and start chattering to each other when that happens. Otherwise they’re pretty fast.

“The most difficult thing is to get them to stop scratching their bottoms. But some of the old staff did that, too, so ‘what’s the difference?’ I say.

“We encourage customers to use counter service as the staff spill a lot of the coffee when swinging through the room to a table.

“So we have a larger number of spillages than average but we employ two Labradors who quickly lick up anything that falls on the floor. Customers are warned not to drop any personal items.

“We had a situation a few weeks ago where a customer’s wedding ring slipped off her finger onto the floor. One of the Labs got to it before she did.

“We had to wait for things to take their natural course and the ring was returned. We did offer a free coffee but she hasn’t been back since.

“The staff do struggle making paninis. I guess it’s because they don’t have sandwich-makers in the jungle.

“So we employ a human – sorry, a quality control technician – to pick the hairs out of the sandwiches before serving.

“Anyway, the customers like the new staff, which is the main thing, and buy them bananas for tips.

“We have had a few complaints, mainly from the RSPCA which wants to know if we’re paying them the minimum rate.

“And of course we are. We pay them peanuts. As many as they can eat.”

Ref: BBC News Costa Coffee franchise workers ‘not treated like humans’


Who makes the worst coffee?
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