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Coastguards will no longer help stupid people who ignore cliff warning signs

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Rather than stand on the edge of a crumbling cliff, why not do everyone a favour and take rat poison?

Rather than stand on the edge of a crumbling cliff, why not do everyone a favour and take rat poison?

New warning signs are to be posted around dangerous cliffs such as the Birling Gap chalk cliffs on the south coast telling people if they are stupid enough to ignore the warnings, they are on their own.

The chalk cliffs are extremely unstable and can crumble and crash into the sea at any time.

Existing signs warning people to keep clear are having no effect and visitors are falling off at the rate of 7-8 per day.

The cost to the emergency services, and thus the taxpayer, is enormous. A proposal that anyone falling from a cliff should be left and their carcass allowed to be reclaimed by the sea was rejected for breaking some sort of EU directive.

The National Trust said it will be installing new signs along dangerous cliffs saying: “If you are stupid enough to go beyond this point, don’t call us”.

A more direct sign saying “If you want to be buried at sea, walk this way” was rejected on the grounds that it would encourage foreign visitors to follow the sign as only the British understand irony.

Wedding parties and people holding small children over the edge, Michael Jackson style, for a better look are just some of the dumb asses seen ignoring the warnings.

Fortunately, no one under the age of 16 has so far fallen off a cliff. And, fortunately, several children will not be born with the defective genes that caused their would-be parents to stand on a cliff edge.

A spokesperson for the local coastguard service who did not want to be named said: “We get half a dozen calls a day about people who have fallen off cliffs. I didn’t think there were that many stupid people in the world but I’m obviously wrong.

“We finish our lunch or crack open another beer before checking. If they’re not splattered all over the rocks and survive, they’re likely to go and do some other stupid thing later on so we’re saving some other emergency service from dealing with a stupid person. That’s the way I look at it.”

A bell rang.

“Here we go again,” said the coastguard, cracking open another bottle of beer.


Should we build a wall around the coast of Britain to keep stupid people from falling off?
Or should stupid people be encouraged to take themselves out of the gene pool?
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