Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Climate change, bio extinction. – it’s too late. We’re f*cked. Don’t have any more babies warns UN

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Look upon your works - and party like there's no tomorrow. Because there's not

Look upon your works – and party like there’s no tomorrow. Because there’s not

The inevitable catastrophe of climate change has been compounded by a UN report revealing that humans are killing over one million animal and plant species. That’s over a quarter of life on the planet, excluding humans, of course, and the inhabitants of America.

The world population has doubled since 1970, due to low-quality condoms, child allowance subsidies, the Chinese and the Hungarians.

The increased demand for fuel, food and McDonald’s has lead to the destruction of vast areas of the globe including Hull, Milton Keynes, and most of the American mid west. But unfortunately not architectural eyesores like 1970’s buildings or North Korea.

Animal and plant species are being destroyed one million times faster than over the last ten million years. To put that into perspective, it’s very fast indeed. Definitely one for the Guinness Book of Records so if everyone can line up in front of the camera…

What can we do?

Bugger all!

Even if the entire world immediately implemented a zero level pollution and reforestation policy, it would only stretch things out a bit so it’s not worth the hassle.

Yes, folks, the human race is well and truly fucked.

The UN realises that politicians are incapable of implementing any kind of policy that might have preserved the planet otherwise they would have done it years ago. They can’t even decide on pizza toppings.

Instead the UN recommends we revert to our normal habits of planetary destruction and pollution and make the most of the time we have left.

The report adds that politicians wanting to keep their cosy jobs are likely to attempt some kind of “preservation” policy.

However, any policy will be a futile token gesture and should be assiduously avoided at all costs as it will only impose austerity with absolutely no long-term benefit.

The UN suggests voting for the party that admits the truth and proposes a “bloody good knees-up” to see out the end of the human race.

As for politicians with their head in the sand about the reality of the situation, the report suggests civil disobedience as a first step then all-out revolution if the politicians don’t fall into line.

The UN points out that had such action been taken earlier we may not be in this mess now, but that sounds like sour grapes, trying to pass the blame from the politicians to the populous.

The other main recommendation in the UN report is to urge people not to have any more children as they will not live long enough to see retirement.

Light the candles, let the party commence.

When you lie dying of starvation and emphysema whose teeth would you most like to kick in?
What’s top priority on your bucket list?
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