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Celebrities queue up to apologise for anything they may have said that may have caused offence to anyone anywhere at any time ever

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John Wayne came back from the dead to apologise for being a Republican

John Wayne came back from the dead to apologise for being a Republican

Celebrities, TV personalities, soap performers, other non-entities and many politicians – apart from Donald Trump, Theresa May, and Jeremy Corbyn – are falling over themselves to make public apologies.

Following outcries and shaming by the “We will be outraged for you” vociferous minority group, celebrities and others in the public eye are in fear for their reputations.

One celebrity who did not want to be named until she had made her public apology said:
“I think I may have smiled once at Harvey Weinstein. I’m not sure, but if it got out before I apologise my career could be ruined.”

Another star said: “I think I once admitted I actually liked Thriller. I might have to change my name and start over again in somewhere like Finland.”

One labour MP said: “I think I once passed a black man in the corridor and didn’t say ‘good morning’. Or he might have been a Jew, I don’t remember. I’m mortified.”

A TV chat show host confessed: “There are so many black, disabled, disadvantaged and LGBT people I haven’t had on my show. I interview stars and other interesting people and there are only so-many I can squeeze into a one-hour show but that’s no excuse. I need to apologise before they relegate me to the weather forecast.”

A tennis champion said: “I once beat an Asian in three straight sets. I tried to lose but they were just so bad, I couldn’t. I haven’t slept for months.”

A psychic said they had received a message from John Wayne who wanted to apologise for being a republican.

Another message came from David Hasselhoff who, although not dead, wanted to apologise for being a bad actor.

Nicolas Cage and several Baldwins jumped on that one, too, and also wanted to apologise for appearing in so many bad movies.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was going to apologise for having a name that’s difficult to spell.

Paris Hilton wants to apologise for being Paris Hilton

A spokesperson for the “We will be outraged for you” brigade who was wearing a balaclava and declined to be named said: “For too long, many people have been insulted without even knowing it. This has to stop. We prefer hanging but the best the law allows is public vilification which will do for now. If we can ruin a few careers because of something someone may have said two decades ago – result!”

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