Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Category Archives for "Politics"

22, March 2019

UK government green-lights tax avoidance schemes. A spokesperson said: “It’s much easier to get tax out of the poor.”

If you have loadsa money you can hire this guy to help you keep it!

Tax avoidance schemes such as the infamous K2 scheme – which was perfectly legal at the time – got a lot of people into trouble. The scheme used perfectly legal (at the time) methods to avoid tax (which isn’t illegal), but the media ran a witch hunt to name and shame celebrities and other rich […]

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21, March 2019

Customs Officers strike for better deal after Brexit. “We’re taking a lead from the stroppy French.”

French, eh? Smuggling handbags again, are we? Take a seat over there for the next three days, madam.

UK Customs Officers are preparing to strike as soon as the UK leaves the EU, deal or no deal. A spokesperson said: “Whatever happens, we’re going to have to work longer and harder and we need more people and better equipment to do it. “We’re taking a leaf out of the stroppy Frenchy’s book – […]

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19, March 2019

Yellow Vests riot again in France. “We demand better fashion than yellow jackets,” say protesters

Road workers? Gilets Jaunes? Or just c;learing up after a Yellow Jacket Riot? You decide!

The Yellow Jackets or “Gilets Jaunes” have again been rioting in Paris and throughout France. We spoke to one of the protest leaders. “We don’t want much,” he said (in French). “These damn yellow jackets make us look like refuse collectors or road workers. Not that there’s anything wrong with refuse collectors or road workers, […]

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18, March 2019

EDL founder, Tommy Robinson, on a publicity tour to make sure he’s well-known during future police harassment

Move along quietly now Mr, Rob- er, whoevever you are!

EDL (English Defence League) founder, Tommy Robinson, has lost his case for harassment against the police for being moved on from a pub in Cambridge in 2016 following a football match. Mr Robinson claimed he had been targeted for his beliefs and dodgy hairstyle. The judge, Ms Karen Walden-Smith said he was not as well-known […]

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16, March 2019

DUP demands more concessions for supporting Tory votes including banning gay rights, repealing abortion laws and an official climate change denial policy. A No. 10 spokesman said: “It’s cheaper than another £1bn.”

The DUP is a weird little Northern Ireland party that no one had heard of until UK PM, Theresa May, paid them £1bn in real money to buy their votes. DUP policies are slightly to the right of Atilla the Hun. Now they want more concessions to prop up the Tory’s failing Brexit deal. The £1bn […]

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13, March 2019

Donald Trump to hold no more face-to-face meetings. “It will all be Twitterised,” he said

Twitter's new logo as Donald Trump starts using it exclusively for negotiations!

US President, Donald Trump, has announced that he will take part in no more face-to-face meetings or negotiations with any world leader or anyone else at home or abroad, and will in future conduct all such conversations via Twitter. “This will ensure,” he said. “That there are no fake news reports about our meetings or […]

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12, March 2019

Be afraid. Be very afraid if you need the emergency services. New government guidelines to radically improve slow emergency service response times

To cope with the increased demand for emergency services amid unprecedented cuts, the government is instituting new guidelines for call handlers to prioritise the calls based on the amount of terror or panic in the caller’s voice. The lowest priority is mild annoyance where the caller is annoyed that the emergency has disturbed their cup […]

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11, March 2019

Asda (part of the Walmart group) to stop selling single kitchen knives. Ford to stop selling single cars

You can't buy just one knife in Asda but you can buy a pack of these!

Asda has announced it will stop selling single kitchen knives – but they will still be available in multipacks. “We feel this will hit hardest, the impoverished would-be knife buyer who is also too stupid and incapable of stealing a single kitchen knife. Two or more could get together to buy a multipack but we […]

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