“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

25, March 2019

Cash for Senate seats. “I will make your child a Senator for money,” claims life coach. “How do you think Trump got the job?”

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"I can get your child into a high political office - just like Trump."

“I can get your child into a high political office – just like Trump.”

An ex-life coach has been offering wealthy families a seat in the Senate for their children in return for money.

His closing argument was “How do you think Donald Trump got the job?” which sealed the deal for most people.

In a far-reaching FBI investigation, evidence is beginning to emerge that a vast number of Senate seats are filled by people with no experience of politics, communication, leadership, organisation, or the law, and who are only in it for the money, the perks, the free travel, more perks and an easy life. And power.

Louie “Dickie” Ratchet, life coach and political fixer to the rich, made many powerful contacts through his life coaching business and knows which “shakers and movers” are open to “financial persuasion”. It’s also believed he was a close friend of Russian State Hackers, a claim he denies.

Mr Ratchet was discovered by accident during an undercover FBI wiretap sting intended to unearth a Dodgeball-fixing racket. An FBI agent who claimed he couldn’t be named for security reasons said: “If I’d known about this sooner I could’ve got my kid into politics instead of flipping burgers. Don’t quote me on that.”

Mr Ratchet targeted wealthy people with not-so-bright children who wanted to secure a future for them. And possibly with the hope that their children would reciprocate and help their own business and career.

The list includes prominent business names as well as celebrities, TV chefs, soap stars and other minor entertainment personalities who, nevertheless, managed to put together the rumoured seven-figure sums demanded by Mr Ratchet for his services.

TV Chef Antonio Garibaldi said: “I didn’t know it was illegal. It’s how we did things in the old country. He promised to make my son president.”

The number of politicians and Senators Mr Ratchet has already helped into power is unknown but, judging by the current state of the Senate, it was a lot.

The case continues.

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