“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

25, March 2019

Cash for Senate seats. “I will make your child a Senator for money,” claims life coach. “How do you think Trump got the job?”

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"I can get your child into a high political office - just like Trump."

“I can get your child into a high political office – just like Trump.”

An ex-life coach has been offering wealthy families a seat in the Senate for their children in return for money.

His closing argument was “How do you think Donald Trump got the job?” which sealed the deal for most people.

In a far-reaching FBI investigation, evidence is beginning to emerge that a vast number of Senate seats are filled by people with no experience of politics, communication, leadership, organisation, or the law, and who are only in it for the money, the perks, the free travel, more perks and an easy life. And power.

Louie “Dickie” Ratchet, life coach and political fixer to the rich, made many powerful contacts through his life coaching business and knows which “shakers and movers” are open to “financial persuasion”. It’s also believed he was a close friend of Russian State Hackers, a claim he denies.

Mr Ratchet was discovered by accident during an undercover FBI wiretap sting intended to unearth a Dodgeball-fixing racket. An FBI agent who claimed he couldn’t be named for security reasons said: “If I’d known about this sooner I could’ve got my kid into politics instead of flipping burgers. Don’t quote me on that.”

Mr Ratchet targeted wealthy people with not-so-bright children who wanted to secure a future for them. And possibly with the hope that their children would reciprocate and help their own business and career.

The list includes prominent business names as well as celebrities, TV chefs, soap stars and other minor entertainment personalities who, nevertheless, managed to put together the rumoured seven-figure sums demanded by Mr Ratchet for his services.

TV Chef Antonio Garibaldi said: “I didn’t know it was illegal. It’s how we did things in the old country. He promised to make my son president.”

The number of politicians and Senators Mr Ratchet has already helped into power is unknown but, judging by the current state of the Senate, it was a lot.

The case continues.

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