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Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

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Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

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Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

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James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

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Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

10, April 2019

Brexit delay results in Home Office issuing DIY passports with marker pen and blue dye

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Before and after! The new UK passports suit users of all Brexit persuasions

Before and after! The new UK passports suit users of all Brexit persuasions

Due to the delay in the UK leaving the EU, UK passports will remain burgundy and continue to include the words “European Union”.

However, they will also come with a burgundy marker pen and feature instructions printed above the words “European Union” saying “Delete as appropriate”.

A Home Office spokesperson said: “We think this is the best option as no one has any idea when the leaving date may be

“We are also giving each customer a bottle of blue dye so they can stain their passports blue if they prefer the original UK passport colour.

“While the absence or inclusion of “European Union” does not affect the validity of the passport, users should be aware that striking them out may result in stricter search procedures when entering an EU country.

“In addition, dying it blue may result in a strip search in countries such as Luxembourg because that’s where Mr Juncker is from, but also in France simply because they enjoy it.”

Mr and Mrs Duggan-Smith from Warrington received their new DIY passports yesterday. “We’ll definitely be crossing out the “EU” part,” said Mr Duggan-Smith. “But we won’t be dying it blue as we intend travelling to France.”

Mrs Duggan-Smith added: “I’m so disappointed because I really wanted a blue one but I don’t fancy them lot fiddling about down there. You know.”

The Home office spokesperson said: “Given the uncertain date of departure, we think this is the best way forward and will suit both Brexiteers and Remainers.

“Of course, with so many people applying for Irish passports, demand for UK passports has dropped dramatically.

“Just wait for Scottish independence!”

What colour do you want your passport to be? Leave a Comment below.

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