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Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

10, April 2019

Brexit delay results in Home Office issuing DIY passports with marker pen and blue dye

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Before and after! The new UK passports suit users of all Brexit persuasions

Before and after! The new UK passports suit users of all Brexit persuasions

Due to the delay in the UK leaving the EU, UK passports will remain burgundy and continue to include the words “European Union”.

However, they will also come with a burgundy marker pen and feature instructions printed above the words “European Union” saying “Delete as appropriate”.

A Home Office spokesperson said: “We think this is the best option as no one has any idea when the leaving date may be

“We are also giving each customer a bottle of blue dye so they can stain their passports blue if they prefer the original UK passport colour.

“While the absence or inclusion of “European Union” does not affect the validity of the passport, users should be aware that striking them out may result in stricter search procedures when entering an EU country.

“In addition, dying it blue may result in a strip search in countries such as Luxembourg because that’s where Mr Juncker is from, but also in France simply because they enjoy it.”

Mr and Mrs Duggan-Smith from Warrington received their new DIY passports yesterday. “We’ll definitely be crossing out the “EU” part,” said Mr Duggan-Smith. “But we won’t be dying it blue as we intend travelling to France.”

Mrs Duggan-Smith added: “I’m so disappointed because I really wanted a blue one but I don’t fancy them lot fiddling about down there. You know.”

The Home office spokesperson said: “Given the uncertain date of departure, we think this is the best way forward and will suit both Brexiteers and Remainers.

“Of course, with so many people applying for Irish passports, demand for UK passports has dropped dramatically.

“Just wait for Scottish independence!”


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