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9, September 2019

Boris to bring parliamentary language up to f*ck*ng date

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Parliament will soon resound with comments such as: "If the pissed tosser for Islington North had cojones and didn't wear big women's clothing..."

Parliament will soon resound with comments such as: “If the pissed tosser for Islington North had cojones and didn’t wear big women’s clothing…”

MPs use formal and arcane language. They call fellow party members “my honourable friend”, and opposition members “the honourable member for such-and-such” when they can’t stand the sight of them.

They’re just not being honest. Which  is nothing new.

The language is a throwback to days when an impolite comment could get you stabbed in the back. This is no longer practised except by Michael Gove.

Current PM Boris Johnson wants to bring parliamentary language into the 21st century and has been using more modern and colourful language to encourage other MPs to follow suit.

He referred to former Tory PM David Cameron as a “girly swot”. They went to the same school and university so Mr Johnson should know.

He also called opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn a “big girl’s blouse” for chickening out of supporting a general election.

The phrase is not particularly modern, originating in the early 19th century, although that is positively bang up to date by parliamentary standards.

It appeared as a popular insult in the 1960s when used by comedienne Hilda Baker in a British sitcom called Nearest and Dearest.

But Mr Johnson is going to have to work much harder if he hopes to bring parliamentary language up to date.

Here are a few phrases that could be used in parliament instead of the ancient and outdated terms.

Current phrase Meaning New phrase
My honourable friend An MP in the same party My mate, I’d die for this man/woman
The honourable member for xxx A member of the opposition The (optional: fucking) wanker, tosspot
Order, order Attempt to bring unruly MPs to order Shut the fuck up you miserable fuckers
The other place The House of Lords The lazy entitled bastards
Strangers Members of the public I see my Mother’s come to see if I have a proper job
Using a terminological inexactitude Accuse a member of lying Lying bastard, git
Tired and emotional, overwrought, not quite him/herself Drunk Pissed as a fart

Substituting more modern and accurate terminology will leave MPs in no doubt what is being said and will produce far more interesting televised debates.

Ref: BBC News Big girl’s blouse: Johnson faces backlash over Corbyn jibe


Is parliament full of privileged wankers?
What phrase would you use to describe your ex?
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