Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Boris to assist, personally, with Giant Panda mating

You are awesome for sharing

If Boris' attempts to get a Panda 'in the mood' go horribly wrong, we could end up with a Banda

If Boris’ attempts to get a Panda ‘in the mood’ go horribly wrong, we could end up with a Banda

Giant Pandas are notoriously difficult to breed. Getting a male and female Panda to mate is logistically problematical. While they look cute they are as sexy as Michael Gove‘s underwear on a washing line on a wet Tuesday.

Edinburgh Zoo has just reported on their last failed attempt.

However, UK PM Boris Johnson has offered to help “get them in the mood” by taking the role of the male Panda during the ‘courtship’ period.

“How difficult can it be?” he quipped. “A bit of rough and tumble, a little ear-rubbing and a smack or two on the backside – always works for me. It can’t be that much different for Pandas.”

A spokesperson for the zoo said: “He has the hair. We might have to fit him out with ears and he’ll almost certainly need a body suit. He’s large but they’re not fools, these Pandas.”

When Mr Johnson was asked if he was not worried in case the Panda became too amorous he replies: “Nonsense. I’ve tackled pigs and lots of other wild animals, I’m sure I can handle a Panda.”

When the Zoo was asked what emergency protocols it had in place should things ‘go too far’ the spokesperson said: “To be honest, we’re so desperate for some kind of mating, we’ll take whatever we can get.

“We’d probably call it a Banda.”

Ref: BBC News Edinburgh Zoo reveals giant panda Tian Tian is not pregnant

What’s the most difficult mating you’ve ever attempted?
Who or what would you most like to see Boris Johnson mate with?
Leave a Comment below

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: