You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

29, July 2019

Boris Johnson orders 20,000 PM bodyguards

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UK PM salutes the Boris Brigade, his new incoming squad of Prime Minister bodyguards

UK PM salutes the Boris Brigade, his new incoming squad of Prime Minister bodyguards

One of the first acts of Boris Johnson, the UK’s new Prime Minister, has been to order the creation of a new PM bodyguard unit.

The unit will consist of over 20,000 men and women, hand-picked from the armed forces, the police service and up-market hairdressers.

Their role will be to shield the PM from critics, detractors and naysayers, by making sure no one gets close enough to actually talk to him, tousle his hair or otherwise form it into any recognisable style.

The unit, which has been dubbed the Boris Brigade, will work round-the-clock and accompany the PM on all official duties.

This is already a headache for Brandon Lewis, Minister of Security, as he contemplates the logistics of getting 20,000 people into No. 10 and the Houses of Parliament.

We tried to ask Mr Johnson for a comment but couldn’t get closer than 50 yards.

One of our reporters, posing as a hairdresser, got within 20 yards but the Boris Brigade spotted his microphone and arrested him on suspicion of carrying a dangerous weapon.

We did manage to get a message to the No. 10 press office asking how much the Boris Brigade would cost.

They replied: “Around £500m but that’s only two weeks of the money we’ll save by not paying into the EU.”

Ref: BBC News Recruitment of 20,000 new police officers to begin ‘within weeks’

Did the TV series, The Bodyguard, make you want to be a bodyguard, a politician or throw up?
Would you rather be Boris’ hairdresser or address one of Boris’ heirs? (Yes, sorry about that.)
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