“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

7, August 2019

Boris Johnson cannot be recycled

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Could this be where Boris Johnson ends up after his spell as PM?

Could this be where Boris Johnson ends up after his spell as PM?

In a bid to save the planet, everyone is recycling as much rubbish as they can.

However, environmentalists have confirmed that UK PM, Boris Johnson, cannot be recycled.

Old Prime Ministers leave the job and go on to earn millions as board members of rich companies and through speaking engagements.

Ex-labour PM Tony bLiar Blair, earns over £1m a pop as an after-dinner speaker.

He tells diners what a shambles he was as PM, that he knew there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction all along, and what George Bush had for breakfast.

Ex-Tory PM, David Cameron earns hundreds of thousands sitting on the boards of 32 companies. He tells them how to run their business since he made such a good job of running the UK.

Even ex-Tory PM Margaret Thatcher earns thousands. Event organisers play a recording of her joking about smashing the miners’ strike which elicits much hilarity in Big Business circles.

The speech is accompanied by a life-size photo of her coffin although whether or not she is turning in it cannot be determined.

However, after-dinner speaker agency Eat n Speak and the CBI (Confederation of British Industry) both confirmed that they will be unable to offer Boris Johnson a job when he stops being PM.

Eat n Speak said everyone has heard all his jokes on TV and the tousled hair routine is wearing thin.

The CBI said no business can take him seriously and it’s unlikely he would be invited to sit on any board.

ITV expressed small interest should they ever bring back It’s A Knockout.

The BBC said it was “up to here” with ex-politicians wanting to be panel show hosts.

In reaction to the likelihood that Mr Johnson would be unemployable after he ceases to be PM, a No. 10 spokesperson said: “Poppycock.”

Ref: BBC News McDonald’s paper straws cannot be recycled


When Boris leaves No. 10, what job would be an ideal fit?
If politicians could be recycled, what would you turn them into?
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