Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

12, February 2019

Beer and wine myth exposed! “You’ll still feel like shite the next morning,” say scientists.

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Beer first or wine first -you'll still feel like shite in the morning!

Beer first or wine first -you’ll still feel like shite in the morning!

The saying “Beer before wine make you feel fine, wine before beer makes you feel queer,” has been shown to be “pure balderdash” say German scientists.

In a study involving the country’s entire student population, half were told to drink six pints of lager followed by two bottles of white wine. The other half drank the wine first followed by the beer.

Both groups resulted in an equal number of fatalities, currently 5.7%, but some students are reportedly still comatose. The survivors reported equally bad hangovers no matter which order they had downed the drinks.

One participant who was unable to stand for 72 hours after the experiment said: “That was the best night out ever. What happened?”

An exchange student from Teesside in the UK said: “Call that a night out! I finished the last bottle of wine but they wouldn’t give me any more. I was just getting started”

Scientists analysing the data said those worse affected were the teetotallers, many of whom passed out half way through the experiment.

They concluded that no matter in which order you drink alcohol, you’ll still feel like shite the next day.

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