Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

12, March 2019

Be afraid. Be very afraid if you need the emergency services. New government guidelines to radically improve slow emergency service response times

You are awesome for sharing

"Nah, the caller didn't sound worried. It can't be much of an emergency."

“Nah, the caller didn’t sound worried. It can’t be much of an emergency.”

To cope with the increased demand for emergency services amid unprecedented cuts, the government is instituting new guidelines for call handlers to prioritise the calls based on the amount of terror or panic in the caller’s voice.

The lowest priority is mild annoyance where the caller is annoyed that the emergency has disturbed their cup of tea, an online chat with a friend, or occurred in the middle of EastEnders. This would typically be a child swallowing a small toy, a chip pan fire or their partner falling down clutching their chest and complaining they can’t breathe. An emergency vehicle will be despatched within 24-48 hours.

A second stage emergency is classified by the caller being rather flustered and clearly unaware of what to do. They have put down their cup of tea, kept their friend on the other line and are watching EastEnders with one eye. Such situations would typically involve a child swallowing a bottle of cleaning fluid, a burglar with a sawn-off shotgun entering the house, or their partner cutting off a hand or foot with a chainsaw or hedge trimmer. An emergency vehicle will be despatched as soon as humanly possible.

A third stage emergency is indicated by panic in the caller’s voice. They have knocked over their cup of tea, totally forgotten who they were talking to and can’t remember what happened in the last episode of EastEnders. Such emergencies will typically be caused by a child lying in a pool of blood, a gas explosion that has blown a hole through the kitchen floor, or finding their partner and their lover asphyxiated in some sort of erotic bondage game. As any victims of the emergency are likely to be dead, there is no real emergency and a vehicle will be despatched after the crew have had a cuppa.

The highest state of emergency is when the caller is so fraught with fear that they can’t give their name, the address of the property or the nature of the emergency. The call handler logs a response time of 3 minutes and, as they’ve no idea where the emergency is, hangs up.

A government spokesperson said: “The government is quite sure the new priority system will radically improve the emergency services target response times, and we are pumping an awful lot of money into them.” They added: “No, sorry, I can’t comment on the state of the NHS.”

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: