James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat
Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail
Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome
The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines
Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”
Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride
To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!
Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier
Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!
During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion
“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”
Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”
Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!
Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”
Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair
Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested
Pope Francis to give fortune to the poor! “Over my dead body, ya dingo!” says Cardinal George Pell,
After visiting dozens of impoverished countries over the last few years, Pope Francis has announced that he intends to give away half the church’s fortune to the poor. This comes hot on the heels of yet more abuse and financial scandals for the Catholic church at a time when many people are wondering if the […]
Tell me more...!Loo roll running out! Ministers vow to get to the bottom of it
Raw materials for the manufacture of toilet paper are in short supply. The UK gets them from Europe. There’s normally no problem because the EU is full of it but Brexit fears are adding loo roll to the list of things we need to sit down and think hard about. A spokesman for the Association […]
Tell me more...!- in Science & Technology , USA by Ed Mann
Dog with the rudest name in the world is Shih Tzu! – says Guinness Book of Records
A Shih Tzu dog called Shitty Ass has been named the dog with the rudest name in the world by the Guinness Book of Records. It’s official! The dog’s owners, Buck and Bella-Ellen Fokker from Arkansas said: “We didn’t know nothing about it. Our good neighbour sent the name to the Guinness Book of Records […]
Tell me more...!Cash for kids! “I’ll pay you to have my babies,” says Hungarian Prime Minister. It’s better than Wonga!
Hungary’s right-wing nationalist Prime Minister, Viktor Orban, has offered Hungarian women cash if they have lots of Hungarian babies. Couples will be offered interest-free loans of 10m forint (£27,400; $36,000), which will be written off after they have three children. It’s not clear if the couple still have to be together at this point. But […]
Tell me more...!High Court judge falls asleep – “The case was as boring as fart and I’d been up all night washing my wig.”
Mrs Justice Parker, 68, fell asleep “momentarily” while hearing a case in the Family Division of the High Court. “I’ve heard a lot of boring cases in my time,” she said. “But this takes the biscuit. It was boring as fart. I can’t even remember what it was about, it was so boring. Probably some […]
Tell me more...!It Begum’s belief! UK plans to open doors to terrorists and release murderers. “It’s only fair,” says Home office
Shamima Begum, 19, who left the UK in 2015 to fight for IS, the so-called Islamic State, wants to return to the UK to have her baby. She says she has no regrets joining IS and found the sight of severed heads in bins quite jolly but now she wants a comfy life and to […]
Tell me more...!- in Art & Entertainment , World by Ed Mann
Tears of a clown! World clown shortage! “The Chinese are eating them!” says Bongo Baggy Britches
The number of clowns in the world is decreasing at an exponential rate. As their natural habitat, the circus, comes increasingly under threat from legislation, and their livelihood is threatened by video games, Ronald MacDonald and apathy, clowns are becoming an endangered species. But there’s another danger, too. Clown impresario and spokesman for the Family […]
Tell me more...!- in Science & Technology , UK , World by Ed Mann
Beer and wine myth exposed! “You’ll still feel like shite the next morning,” say scientists.
The saying “Beer before wine make you feel fine, wine before beer makes you feel queer,” has been shown to be “pure balderdash” say German scientists. In a study involving the country’s entire student population, half were told to drink six pints of lager followed by two bottles of white wine. The other half drank […]
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