Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”
Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride
Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.
How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!
Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”
James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035
Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists
Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!
Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”
Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business
“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”
A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep
Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests
In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties
Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped
You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show
Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050
Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal
Government sued for “egregious and capricious” neglect of its citizens
The government and local councils are being sued for not being Big Brother enough. Lawyers representing neglected citizens of the UK are suing the government for disregard, negligence and “politically-driven abuse of power.” On behalf of the 350,000 homeless, lawyers argue that the government and local councils failed to provide protection, support and assistance in […]
Tell me more...!EVERY Tory MP now in leadership challenge
Every Tory MP has now put their name forward to become the next Tory leader. The Tory party is a party of diversity. This has been demonstrated many times as members have been totally unable to agree on anything. It seems only natural, therefore, that the disagreement should spill over into the leadership contest. Each […]
Tell me more...!Farage for President: EU leaders squabble over top EU jobs
Germany, France and other EU countries are at each other’s throats again over who should get the EU’s top jobs. Lots are up for grabs including EU Commission President, European Council President, EU Central Bank President, and EU High Representative for Foreign Affairs. As well as a bloody long nameplate for their office door, winners […]
Tell me more...!Alastair Campbell expelled from Labour for not eating Trifle
Tony Blair’s spin doctor, policy maker and pasty cook, Alastair Campbell, has been expelled from the Labour party for complaining that the Labour Trifle is squelchy unappetising gunge, and confessing that he preferred other puddings. That’s the Labour party’s wonderful rule – you don’t have to like the Trifle but if you tell everyone you […]
Tell me more...!Queen discovers loophole in Sainsbury’s self-checkout system
In a private visit to Sainsbury’s automatic self-check-out store, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II discovered a flaw in the technology. Staff were awed and floored by the Queen’s knowledge of self-checkout systems. IT experts immediately investigated to solve the problem. The bug appeared at the point of payment when the Queen discovered users could ‘cheat […]
Tell me more...!Michael Gove’s Tory leadership tactics
Lacking any of the qualities necessary to be a good politician let alone a human being, Michael Gove reverts to his weapon of choice to despatch his rivals. Ref: BBC Newss Gove becomes eighth candidate to enter race Sum up Michael Gove in three words (one expletive, only please) Would you rather a Tory run […]
Tell me more...!- in Art & Entertainment , UK , USA , World by Ed Mann
Female dialogue in all-male prison movies less than 50%
Software that analyses the proportion of male-to-female dialogue in movies has revealed that movies with more male characters contain proportionally more male dialogue. This revelation has sent shockwaves through Hollywood and the TV industry. Both male and females scriptwriters have vowed to include more female characters in their scripts and to give them more dialogue […]
Tell me more...!- in Art & Entertainment , UK , World by Ed Mann
“All music copyright to be assigned to monkeys,” says EU
The last few years have seen a massive increase in the number of publishers suing songwriters for ‘copying’ music. It’s a far easier way to make money than writing new songs, although much modern music is derivative drivel and the songwriters ought be sued for inflicting it on the public. Songwriters are reluctant to release […]
Tell me more...!