The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

11, February 2019

“All old people look the same!” say young!

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"They all look like my Gran. Or Grandad. Or your Granny, I'm not sure..."

“They all look like my Gran. Or Grandad. Or your Granny, I’m not sure…”

A survey by the Academy for Serious Studies found that young people are unable to distinguish between individuals over the age of 65.

A survey of more than seven young people aged between 18 and 19 carried out in a pub in Wapping on Friday night revealed that not one of them could tell the difference between two old people, even when seen up close.

One said: “It’s uncanny. They both look exactly the same.”

“It’s the wrinkles and grey hair,” said another. “They look like my Gran. Or Granddad, I’m not sure. Hang on! You’re NOT my Gran, are you?”

The old people looked at the test subjects, shook their head and went into the snug to play dominoes.

The test subjects then peered into the snug.

“Ee, the place is full of that old gadgee from the telly,” said one.

“It’s him from that movie about old folk,” said another.

“Nah,” said another young test subject. “They’re old women. Aren’t they? It’s difficult to tell.”

One of the old people looked up from his game and shouted: “‘Ere, who d’you think you’re looking at, eh? Dean Martin?” All his friends laughed.

“Who’s Dean Martin?” the young ones asked each other. “Was he in ‘I’m a Celebrity’?”

One asked the old person: “You’re not my Gran, are you?”

To which he replied: “Get orf with you, ye cheeky bugger, before I tan yer ‘ide!”. He threw a beer mat at him.

The survey concluded with a question about how many old people the group had seen that evening. The only answer they could agree on was “Lots!”

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