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4-year-old investigated for inciting violence in playground

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Joe reunited with his tricycle. He apologised profusely for inciting violence although the school denied it ever happened

Joe reunited with his tricycle. He apologised profusely for inciting violence although the school denied it ever happened

A 4-year-old who can’t be named for legal reasons but who we’ll call Joe was tackled by the Met for inciting violence.

A boy who can’t be named for legal reasons but who we’ll call Brandon pushed Joe off his tricycle and rode it around the playground. Joe shouted: “Give me my bike back or I’ll get my Dad to thump you.” All the playground monitors thought this was hilarious.

However, the Met immediately received 65 complaints from people who had never had a bike stolen, who had never been children and who had no sense of humour.

A platoon of armed officers swooped on the playground and put Joe under investigation. Brandon immediately accused Joe of threatening him then said he wanted his Mummy.

Joe said he only wanted his bike back but was sorry he had threatened Brandon. He said his Dad worked in a sandwich shop and was more likely to give Brandon a sub than a thump because that’s the sort of Dad he is. And then Joe said he wanted his Mummy.

A Met spokesman said: “We take threats like this very seriously. More seriously in fact than people actually ‘doing stuff’. You know, like throwing things.

“Anyway, we keep a special group of officers primed and ready to go at a moment’s notice for situations just like this.”

When asked if their response was not overkill for a playground dispute, the spokesperson replied: “You can’t put an age limit on unacceptable behaviour.”

At a parents’ evening later that day, the school refused to admit that the incident happened even though it had been reported on the BBC so everyone knew it was absolutely 100% true.

Ref: BBC News Jo Brand to face no action over acid joke, police say


Do you blame the parents?
Are the complainers arseholes?
Bonus question: What would you like to throw and at whom?
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