Archive
Monthly Archives: November 2019
Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”
Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”
Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists
Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”
James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035
Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests
You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show
Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal
How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!
Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!
Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride
In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties
A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep
Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped
Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050
Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.
Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”
Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business
Royal Mail cancels Christmas and cocks up postal votes
The Royal Mail workers lost the right to strike in a High Court ruling. However, the UK could still be in for a period of postal disruption. We met one shop steward who did not want to be named around the back of a sorting office in Bradford he did not want us to name. […]
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13, November 2019
- in Science & Technology , UK by Ed Mann
Supreme Court gives Canterbury Cathedral to Satanists
The disputed site on which Canterbury Cathedral sits should be given to Satanists the Supreme Court has ruled. The Church of England has been granted a five acre site down the road in some woods with permission to build a new cathedral. In a dispute that has raged for 1422 years, Satanists claim the site […]
Tell me more...!UK Treasury to ask for payday loan to cover election promises
With both the Conservatives and Labour promising to spend trillions of pounds if they win the election, the Treasury is making plans to apply for payday loans to cover the cost. A Treasury spokesperson said: “Whichever party wins the election, they’ll bankrupt the economy with all their spending pledges. Even stopping Universal Credit and taxing […]
Tell me more...!Juncker to build EU wall around Europe
“The benefits and advantages of the Berlin wall have been severely underestimated,” claimed EU president Jean-Claude Juncker. “You never saw a rampant rise in house prices in East Berlin, did you? “Our glorious EU wall will keep out the unwanted Brits and prevent the gentry and the retired from gazumping the prices of our European […]
Tell me more...!Tory and Labour alliance promises Brexit and massive tax rises
With the winner of the upcoming general election too close to call, the Tories and the Labour party have agreed an alliance to ensure they both win. With other parties forming alliances to avoid vote-splitting in order to beat the Big Two, the Conservatives and Labour decided to beat them at their own game and […]
Tell me more...!Labour bans Jeremy Corbyn from standing at next election
Labour‘s National Executive Committee has banned Jeremy Corbyn from standing at the upcoming general election. The Executive has already banned several former Labour MPs from standing for various misdemeanours These include riding through a puddle on a bicycle to splash a pedestrian because they were wearing a blue tie, feeding a dog cat food, and […]
Tell me more...!UK not manufacturing enough babies
The lack of sufficient quantities of babies has been blamed for a crisis in the high street as shop after shop keeps closing down. A spokesperson for the Department for Trade and Industry said: “It all starts with babies, you see. We need to up manufacture but the running costs are putting a lot of […]
Tell me more...!Brexiteers recreate the Blitz to evoke the glory of the Empire
Tories, UKIP, the Brexit party and others pursuing a Brexit exit are combining forces to recreate the sounds, sights and smells of the Blitz. They hope this will trigger memories in their core demographic supporters – at least the ones without dementia – to remind them of how great Great Britain used to be and […]
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