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Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Archive

Monthly Archives: July 2019

31, July 2019

English Professor who wrote Trump’s speeches sacked from University

From Trump speech-writer to social media consultant, this English Professor is certainly moving up in the world

A Professor of English at one of America’s most prestigious universities has been sacked after admitting that he wrote US President Donald Trump‘s speeches. Professor J. A. Cedric Klaussmann of Stanford University which runs one of America’s top graduate English programs, was fired after confessing he wrote Donald Trump‘s speeches. “I had an inner compulsion […]

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Universities apply ‘secret email test’ to student applicants

In a leaked memo, it’s been revealed that Universities are adding a new secret test to all student applications. The Chancellor of a University he did not want to be named said: “While we happily accept all students regardless of race, sexual orientation or economic background, we cannot compromise on intellectual ability, common sense or […]

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Clown School applications soar

As per ancient tradition, one alumni congratulates another successful Clown school graduate

In an unprecedented reversal of typical university applications, students in their thousands have been switching from political degrees to sign up for Clown School. Clown impresario and spokesman for the Family Of Clowns Association, Professor Bongo Baggy Britches, said: “Clowning has been a dying profession but it has got a new lease of life today. […]

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