You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Archive

Monthly Archives: May 2019

29, May 2019

Queen discovers loophole in Sainsbury’s self-checkout system

In a private visit to Sainsbury’s automatic self-check-out store, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II discovered a flaw in the technology. Staff were awed and floored by the Queen’s knowledge of self-checkout systems. IT experts immediately investigated to solve the problem. The bug appeared at the point of payment when the Queen discovered users could ‘cheat […]

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Female dialogue in all-male prison movies less than 50%

Software that analyses the proportion of male-to-female dialogue in movies has revealed that movies with more male characters contain proportionally more male dialogue. This revelation has sent shockwaves through Hollywood and the TV industry. Both male and females scriptwriters have vowed to include more female characters in their scripts and to give them more dialogue […]

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“All music copyright to be assigned to monkeys,” says EU

Nah, don't bother, mate. Monkeys have already written millions of songs ten times better than that

The last few years have seen a massive increase in the number of publishers suing songwriters for ‘copying’ music. It’s a far easier way to make money than writing new songs, although much modern music is derivative drivel and the songwriters ought be sued for inflicting it on the public. Songwriters are reluctant to release […]

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24, May 2019

US file 117 new charges against Assange, cats and free speech

US anti-justice department has levelled several additional allegations against WikiLeaks co-founder Julian Assange. We can’t list all the charges but they include: Being Julian Assange Telling people what the US is really wasting spending their money on Sucking up to the bastard Ecuadorians Keeping a cat Revealing the skulduggery the US is really up to […]

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