During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Archive

Monthly Archives: May 2019

29, May 2019

Queen discovers loophole in Sainsbury’s self-checkout system

In a private visit to Sainsbury’s automatic self-check-out store, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II discovered a flaw in the technology. Staff were awed and floored by the Queen’s knowledge of self-checkout systems. IT experts immediately investigated to solve the problem. The bug appeared at the point of payment when the Queen discovered users could ‘cheat […]

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Female dialogue in all-male prison movies less than 50%

Software that analyses the proportion of male-to-female dialogue in movies has revealed that movies with more male characters contain proportionally more male dialogue. This revelation has sent shockwaves through Hollywood and the TV industry. Both male and females scriptwriters have vowed to include more female characters in their scripts and to give them more dialogue […]

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“All music copyright to be assigned to monkeys,” says EU

Nah, don't bother, mate. Monkeys have already written millions of songs ten times better than that

The last few years have seen a massive increase in the number of publishers suing songwriters for ‘copying’ music. It’s a far easier way to make money than writing new songs, although much modern music is derivative drivel and the songwriters ought be sued for inflicting it on the public. Songwriters are reluctant to release […]

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24, May 2019

US file 117 new charges against Assange, cats and free speech

US anti-justice department has levelled several additional allegations against WikiLeaks co-founder Julian Assange. We can’t list all the charges but they include: Being Julian Assange Telling people what the US is really wasting spending their money on Sucking up to the bastard Ecuadorians Keeping a cat Revealing the skulduggery the US is really up to […]

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