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Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Archive

Monthly Archives: April 2019

Fitness trackers for the unfit – they take off the calories so you don’t have to

Huawei has developed a new fitness tracker that over-reports activity levels and calories used, and stores the data on a srver in China. The new Huawei WatchNot 2 is aimed at obese and lazy people or, as the advertising puts it, “those with an excessive lifestyle”. It’s for anyone who desperately wants to lose weight […]

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27, April 2019

Kill Order. “In an emergency, driverless cars will target old people,” say researchers

Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first... After teenage hoodies.

Driverless car AI (Artificial Intelligence) units will be programmed to kill old people, second only to teenage hoodies. In the event of an unavoidable accident, a driver – human or AI –has to make a decision about which obstacle to hit. In other words the car must make a choice between hitting and possibly killing […]

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26, April 2019

“I can’t wait to try on Lizzie’s crown,” says Trump. “King of America is a very great idea.”

US President Donald Trump is said to be “very bigly thrilled” at his up-coming state visit to the UK. He is particularly looking forward to spending time with the Queen again after his “working visit” two years ago. “We got on so well, very greatly well. We’re BFF,” he said. “She’s just an ordinary person. […]

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25, April 2019

New Bank of England governor wanted – we offer four ideal candidates

The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts!

To be governor of the Bank of England you don’t have to be good at financial forecasting, just at making promises and not keeping them. A pathological liar or a political background would be ideal. Current incumbent, Canadian Mark Carney, continuously hinted at interest rate rises but back-stepped after failing to anticipate financial swings or […]

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23, April 2019

Extinction Rebellion to be housed in French refugee camp. “French are so good with protesters,” says Home Office

No more comfy hotels. This lot are off to experience the worst of French hospitality. After being arrested...

With Extinction Rebellion arrests running into thousands, the UK is experiencing a “custodial accommodation” shortage. EU Human Rights law rules out options where they might otherwise be detained such as hostels for the homeless, temporary social housing and half-way houses. Therefore, detainees are now being held in hotels and B&Bs. A Home Office spokesperson said: […]

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