“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Archive

Monthly Archives: April 2019

Fitness trackers for the unfit – they take off the calories so you don’t have to

Huawei has developed a new fitness tracker that over-reports activity levels and calories used, and stores the data on a srver in China. The new Huawei WatchNot 2 is aimed at obese and lazy people or, as the advertising puts it, “those with an excessive lifestyle”. It’s for anyone who desperately wants to lose weight […]

Tell me more...!
27, April 2019

Kill Order. “In an emergency, driverless cars will target old people,” say researchers

Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first... After teenage hoodies.

Driverless car AI (Artificial Intelligence) units will be programmed to kill old people, second only to teenage hoodies. In the event of an unavoidable accident, a driver – human or AI –has to make a decision about which obstacle to hit. In other words the car must make a choice between hitting and possibly killing […]

Tell me more...!
26, April 2019

“I can’t wait to try on Lizzie’s crown,” says Trump. “King of America is a very great idea.”

US President Donald Trump is said to be “very bigly thrilled” at his up-coming state visit to the UK. He is particularly looking forward to spending time with the Queen again after his “working visit” two years ago. “We got on so well, very greatly well. We’re BFF,” he said. “She’s just an ordinary person. […]

Tell me more...!
25, April 2019

New Bank of England governor wanted – we offer four ideal candidates

The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts!

To be governor of the Bank of England you don’t have to be good at financial forecasting, just at making promises and not keeping them. A pathological liar or a political background would be ideal. Current incumbent, Canadian Mark Carney, continuously hinted at interest rate rises but back-stepped after failing to anticipate financial swings or […]

Tell me more...!
23, April 2019

Extinction Rebellion to be housed in French refugee camp. “French are so good with protesters,” says Home Office

No more comfy hotels. This lot are off to experience the worst of French hospitality. After being arrested...

With Extinction Rebellion arrests running into thousands, the UK is experiencing a “custodial accommodation” shortage. EU Human Rights law rules out options where they might otherwise be detained such as hostels for the homeless, temporary social housing and half-way houses. Therefore, detainees are now being held in hotels and B&Bs. A Home Office spokesperson said: […]

Tell me more...!
1 2 3 4