Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Archive

Monthly Archives: March 2019

31, March 2019

Tory MP cries foul after losing a no-confidence vote for not sticking to campaign promises for free hair cuts

Would you buy the promise of a free hair cut from this man?

Tory MP, Dominic Grieve, has complained about losing a no-confidence vote after obstructing policies he promised to push through if he was elected. One disgruntled party member, Mrs Gertrude Withers, 82, said: “In order to gets my support he clearly promised to stop teenagers throwing bird seed into my vegetable patch. It’s been ravaged. There’s […]

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31, March 2019

Dry business books prompt government to introduce new book rating system

New rating system toimprove the quality of books - but not business books!

The need for a book rating system was prompted by complaints that business books were dry, boring and uninteresting. A spokesperson for the Department for Education said: “We want previously dry and boring business books to be as interesting as a Dan Brown thriller. Well, a thriller at any rate.” A team of literary experts […]

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29, March 2019

“Unsuitable advertising” banned. “We’re really good at banning things,” said minister

In response to intense lobbying by anti-gaming campaigners, the major sports betting companies have agreed to ban betting adverts during live sports broadcasting events. Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Jeremy Wright MP, said: “It is vital children and vulnerable people are protected from the threat of gambling-related harm.” The ban doesn’t […]

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27, March 2019

Jackboots in England as Juncker plans to invade the UK after Brexit to put it once again under the EU boot

First chocolates, then jackboots! Juncker's plans for the UK!

EU president and head honcho, Jean-Claude Juncker plans to use EU armies to invade the UK, a leaked recording reveals. In an undercover operation intended to get the low-down on Juncker’s “cash for Belgium chocolates” scam, the reporters accidentally recorded a telephone conversation between Junker and an unidentified person but who is believed to be […]

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Celebrities queue up to apologise for anything they may have said that may have caused offence to anyone anywhere at any time ever

John Wayne came back from the dead to apologise for being a Republican!

Celebrities, TV personalities, soap performers, other non-entities and many politicians – apart from Donald Trump, Theresa May, and Jeremy Corbyn – are falling over themselves to make public apologies. Following outcries and shaming by the “We will be outraged for you” vociferous minority group, celebrities and others in the public eye are in fear for […]

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25, March 2019

Cash for Senate seats. “I will make your child a Senator for money,” claims life coach. “How do you think Trump got the job?”

An ex-life coach has been offering wealthy families a seat in the Senate for their children in return for money. His closing argument was “How do you think Donald Trump got the job?” which sealed the deal for most people. In a far-reaching FBI investigation, evidence is beginning to emerge that a vast number of […]

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