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Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Archive

Monthly Archives: March 2019

31, March 2019

Tory MP cries foul after losing a no-confidence vote for not sticking to campaign promises for free hair cuts

Would you buy the promise of a free hair cut from this man?

Tory MP, Dominic Grieve, has complained about losing a no-confidence vote after obstructing policies he promised to push through if he was elected. One disgruntled party member, Mrs Gertrude Withers, 82, said: “In order to gets my support he clearly promised to stop teenagers throwing bird seed into my vegetable patch. It’s been ravaged. There’s […]

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31, March 2019

Dry business books prompt government to introduce new book rating system

New rating system toimprove the quality of books - but not business books!

The need for a book rating system was prompted by complaints that business books were dry, boring and uninteresting. A spokesperson for the Department for Education said: “We want previously dry and boring business books to be as interesting as a Dan Brown thriller. Well, a thriller at any rate.” A team of literary experts […]

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29, March 2019

“Unsuitable advertising” banned. “We’re really good at banning things,” said minister

In response to intense lobbying by anti-gaming campaigners, the major sports betting companies have agreed to ban betting adverts during live sports broadcasting events. Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Jeremy Wright MP, said: “It is vital children and vulnerable people are protected from the threat of gambling-related harm.” The ban doesn’t […]

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27, March 2019

Jackboots in England as Juncker plans to invade the UK after Brexit to put it once again under the EU boot

First chocolates, then jackboots! Juncker's plans for the UK!

EU president and head honcho, Jean-Claude Juncker plans to use EU armies to invade the UK, a leaked recording reveals. In an undercover operation intended to get the low-down on Juncker’s “cash for Belgium chocolates” scam, the reporters accidentally recorded a telephone conversation between Junker and an unidentified person but who is believed to be […]

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Celebrities queue up to apologise for anything they may have said that may have caused offence to anyone anywhere at any time ever

John Wayne came back from the dead to apologise for being a Republican!

Celebrities, TV personalities, soap performers, other non-entities and many politicians – apart from Donald Trump, Theresa May, and Jeremy Corbyn – are falling over themselves to make public apologies. Following outcries and shaming by the “We will be outraged for you” vociferous minority group, celebrities and others in the public eye are in fear for […]

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25, March 2019

Cash for Senate seats. “I will make your child a Senator for money,” claims life coach. “How do you think Trump got the job?”

An ex-life coach has been offering wealthy families a seat in the Senate for their children in return for money. His closing argument was “How do you think Donald Trump got the job?” which sealed the deal for most people. In a far-reaching FBI investigation, evidence is beginning to emerge that a vast number of […]

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