Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Archive

Monthly Archives: February 2019

12, February 2019

Beer and wine myth exposed! “You’ll still feel like shite the next morning,” say scientists.

The saying “Beer before wine make you feel fine, wine before beer makes you feel queer,” has been shown to be “pure balderdash” say German scientists. In a study involving the country’s entire student population, half were told to drink six pints of lager followed by two bottles of white wine. The other half drank […]

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People flock to Wetherspoon pubs to be insulted. “I never tell my staff to be nice to customers,” said Tim Martin, chairman

Don't upset the staff at Wetherspoons! The barmaids are real knockouts!

People are queuing up to get into Wetherspoon pubs after chairman and Brexiteer Tim Martin released a statement saying he never tells his staff to be nice to customers. Instead of the cheery “What can I get for you?” English pubs are renowned for, Wetherspoon staff are treating customers with the disdain they deserve. As […]

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8, February 2019

“We’re rootin’ for Putin” tops Russian pop charts for ninth month in a row. “We don’t want to go to Siberia,” says band

Doggy Riot is Russia’s latest top boy band and has topped the Russian charts for over 9 months with their hit single “We’re rootin’ for Putin.” Inspiration for their name came from the ill-fated Pussy Riot, a punk rock protest group that sang songs about Putin being a dictator and who Putin sent to the […]

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7, February 2019

“I bought everything in the Argos catalogue,” says shopaholic Wendy Wilson. “And I’m £1.3m in debt!”

Wendy's local Argos store manager is a very happy bunny!

Confessed shopaholic, Wendy Wilson, 57 and divorced, has bought every item in the Argos catalogue. “I just can’t help it,” she said. “Everything looks so new and shiny and desirable, I know I simply must have it.” To date she has bought over 20,000 items. As new items are added and old ones removed, her […]

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“Weird hair an indication of criminality,” says police physiological profiler

A weird hairstyle and sunglasses - this guy is definitely up to no good!

“A bad hairstyle is a sure give-away of a criminal mentality,” says Dr Gwendoline Bendover, a psychological criminal profiler who once helped police with their enquiries.. Physiological profiling is the study of physical characteristics and Dr Bendover’s speciality is seeing how these relate to criminality. “It’s often thought,” said Dr Bendover. “That eyes which are […]

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