The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Archive

Monthly Archives: February 2019

Dogs will rule the world by 2050 as they get smarter and humans get dumber!

Dogs will rule the world by 2050!

Esteemed psychologist and dog behaviourist, Dr Stanley Coren PhD., DSc, FRSC, who specialises in testing dogs’ IQ, says that dogs are definitely getting smarter. When he first began his doggy IQ tests back in the 1990s, dogs were as smart as the average two-year old. “Now,” says Dr Coren. “Dogs are as smart as a […]

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26, February 2019

Michael McIntyre plummets in comedy ratings – “You’re only as good as your last joke,” he says. “And mine was crap.”

Michael McIntyre's last sell-out show!

Michael McIntyre, who dropped out of the UK’s Top Ten list of funniest comedians, moaned: “I should have done mobile phone chargers and not trains. People don’t think trains are funny anymore. The train companies overcharge for tickets, cancel services, and the trains are usually late. There’s nothing funny in that if you use trains. […]

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Erotic novel by Mussolini discovered in Rome brothel!

Mussolini keeps one eye on his men, who he liked enormously, while reading his proofs

An erotic novel written by Italian dictator, Benito Mussolini, was discovered in a former brothel in Rome. The book was found by workmen demolishing a house that was once Mussolini’s favourite brothel, La Farfalla. Mussolini was called Il Duce to his face but Il Piccolino behind his back, especially by his many lovers, some of […]

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24, February 2019

Veggie restaurants must stay open until 11PM says government in crackdown on lazy vegetarian proprietors

I'm a chef - not a fucking salad-maker!

The government is set to introduce legislation to force “lazy vegetarian restaurant owners” to open until at least 11PM six days a week. The move comes after numerous complaints by vegetarians that they can’t find anywhere to eat after 4PM. Lucas Silbertson, 28, from Hull said: “It’s bad enough living in Hull but we can’t […]

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Oil companies release “Energy from water” patents they’ve sat on for years! “It’s a major boon for the whole world,” they say. “But mainly for us!”

Gives a new meaning to the phrase:

In a joint statement put out by the World’s five biggest oil companies, they have agreed to release “energy from water” patents that they have held for over 50 years. The patents describe how water can be converted to energy and used to “fuel” every kind of engine from cars to planes, and from boats […]

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22, February 2019

“For the last time – we are NOT anti-semantic!” claims Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn at Stamford Hill rally

In a speech at Stamford Hill, London, Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, made an impassioned plea to “everyone” to stop claiming Labour was anti-semantic. “We have absolutely nothing against words or the meaning of words. In fact, we in the Labour movement love words. Everyone in the Labour party is free to use as many words […]

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21, February 2019

Medical breakthrough of the century! “Eating causes tooth decay,” say Dentists

In a medical breakthrough claimed to be the most important health discovery of the century, dentists have revealed that tooth decay is caused by eating food with your teeth. Dr “Painless” Peter Potter of the Dental Research Institute of Philadelphia said a 17-year study into the causes of tooth decay showed that putting food in […]

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