The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

10, May 2019

18 things the UK could do by 2050

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No, we'll never do that. Or that. Not that one. Better take that off...

No, we’ll never do that. Or that. Not that one. Better take that off…

According to the Committee on Climate Change, the UK can cut greenhouse gas emissions to zero by 2050.

Here are 17 other things the UK can do by 2050:

  1. Ensure all bins are collected and emptied on a weekly basis
  2. Create a sustainable green energy system
  3. Provide a living wage for all inhabitants
  4. Make pigs fly
  5. Rub the faces of dog owners who don’t pick up their dog’s poo in their dog’s poo
  6. Provide affordable housing for everyone including the homeless
  7. Reduce HNS waiting times to zero. Except for people who have had their faces rubbed in their dog’s poo
  8. Legalise marijuana
  9. Realise the ‘arts’ is much more than just art and fund it accordingly
  10. Elect politicians that keep promises and tell the truth
  11. Make a squadron of pigs fly
  12. Prescribe marijuana on the NHS to people who suffer from Lying Politician syndrome
  13. Reward success and excellence instead of failure and incompetence
  14. Reinstate the levels of free speech we are currently losing
  15. Create a whole air corps of pigs, cows, chickens and other farmyard animals
  16. Broker world peace
  17. Agree a final leaving date for Brexit

Would it be better to make pigs fly or dogs talk?
Who is your favourite agrarian?
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