Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

10, May 2019

18 things the UK could do by 2050

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No, we'll never do that. Or that. Not that one. Better take that off...

No, we’ll never do that. Or that. Not that one. Better take that off…

According to the Committee on Climate Change, the UK can cut greenhouse gas emissions to zero by 2050.

Here are 17 other things the UK can do by 2050:

  1. Ensure all bins are collected and emptied on a weekly basis
  2. Create a sustainable green energy system
  3. Provide a living wage for all inhabitants
  4. Make pigs fly
  5. Rub the faces of dog owners who don’t pick up their dog’s poo in their dog’s poo
  6. Provide affordable housing for everyone including the homeless
  7. Reduce HNS waiting times to zero. Except for people who have had their faces rubbed in their dog’s poo
  8. Legalise marijuana
  9. Realise the ‘arts’ is much more than just art and fund it accordingly
  10. Elect politicians that keep promises and tell the truth
  11. Make a squadron of pigs fly
  12. Prescribe marijuana on the NHS to people who suffer from Lying Politician syndrome
  13. Reward success and excellence instead of failure and incompetence
  14. Reinstate the levels of free speech we are currently losing
  15. Create a whole air corps of pigs, cows, chickens and other farmyard animals
  16. Broker world peace
  17. Agree a final leaving date for Brexit

Would it be better to make pigs fly or dogs talk?
Who is your favourite agrarian?
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